Run.. You are on quicksand

The law of the universe states that what goes up must must come down.

When highs are built on false happiness, unlike real joy that only comes from within, extreme lows will follow.

Outside solutions built on quicksand always fail us because the material world always demands more.

Material world, means the things that lie outside of us, money, success, relationships, attention, fame, adoration.

What once felt good becomes a need for more.

Relationships do not make us whole, they only temporarily make us feel better to mask the real problem of the spiritual hole within us if not filled with our creator.

“Make me feel better about myself.”

“Take away my sadness.”

“That fact that you love me makes me feel worthy.”

“Looking in your eyes makes me temporarily forget all my pain, all of the pain I’ve caused others just to get here.”

“Your beautiful and you love me so that must mean I’m beautiful.”

“Fill me up, make me whole, love me more, give me more of you, it’s not enough, it’s not enough, it’s just not enough, I’m not enough…”

The solution turns into the problem because you, human, will fail me.

I’ve failed me.

What was the cost of getting here, with you, right now?”

“Can I forgive it?”

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Letting Go

One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I have a high capacity for justification. I can invariably hurt people and not see it. I lie to myself. I always have truth deep within me, but sometimes I’m far from admitting it. If I tell myself the truth, then I have to change. And if I don’t want to change, I continue to lie to myself and blame others.

I think I’m taking the easier, softer way by not having to courage to walk away from situations that are harmful to others, but really it’s because of my own selfishness. I don’t want to leave the comfort I get from someone’s attention, someone’s love, and I stay because I don’t want to be alone.

There will always come a time when the truth finds me, and I can no longer continue to live the lie. The people around me retaliate to my actions and it’s time to do the right thing.

Sometimes the right thing means walking away, freeing others from the hold I have on them. Loving them enough to allow them to finally find what they need, when I know it’s certainly not me.

The answer is always in loving more, loving myself and others. Letting go and moving on frees me from the suffering I create.

What is my choice to be?

Just A Passing Car

I saw you the other day.

I was driving down a road on a time I normally don’t, in a huge city, and you passed right by me in your car.

I don’t know if you saw me, but I saw you. I hadn’t seen you in a long time. But that day, in this big city, on that road, at that time, we passed each other.

And all of a sudden it was fresh again. The feelings I keep thinking are gone and worked through just pop up again like it all happened yesterday. I felt sadness and a sense of loss, still, after all this time.

Like I still miss you. I still can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you chose someone else.

When we were together I never once pictured a time when you might be holding someone else at night, like you were holding me, like you are probably holding her now.

I was so sure it could never happen, like I knew the ending of a story I had read in my favorite book a thousand times.

I was so sure.

I was wrong like I’ve been so many times before about things I thought I was certain of.

Maybe this feeling will never leave. I fear it will never go away like a coffee stain on my favorite white t-shirt.

Love doesn’t ever go anywhere, even when the physical world breaks you apart from someone.

It’s all still like a dream that I woke up from, falling to floor of the truth after floating in what I thought was real. I guess you never felt the same about me as I did about you. I must have made it all up in a reality that I had created just to pretend.

I try to be happy for you.

If this is what you want, then it’s what I want. Above all else, the only meaning of true love is without conditions, which means that love doesn’t need to be returned.

Today, I want nothing from you but for you to follow your heart always, wherever that takes you.

Today you are only just a passing car in my life. Here one moment and gone the next like a stranger, like you were never even there.

That is how things are today.

The one thing I am grateful for is that I got the chance to experience loving you, even though it was one sided.

I wish you everything you dream for in life.

My love and prayers are always with you, my passing car.

What I Want

I want you wrapped around my finger, so I can hold my hand close to my heart and know you’ll be there.

I want you’re steps to follow mine on this path, and you can let me lead so if I get scared you will right behind be and maybe hold me close and tell me it will be okay.

I want you to call, if just to tell me you’ve not forgotten me, and that in your thoughts I stay, like the lingering scent of my perfume long after I am gone.

I want you to remind me, just every now and then, of all the reasons why you chose me, and continue to choose me, just in case I forget.

You asked me what I want.

I want you to let me in, all the way in, past your walls, your insecurities, your self protection, so that I can find a place to stay.

I only want all of you, all your spirit had to offer, all your fears and doubts, all your hopes and dreams, all the space in your heart that is open for me.

And maybe I’ll have more to add to this list tomorrow, but for now, all of this will do.

New Beginnings

With every ending is a new beginning, more beautiful, more deep and more lovely than before.

With every moment of deciding what I haven’t wanted, I’ve been able to discover what I do want.

Every time I have walked away from not good enough, I find that the universe provides me with something better.

It’s been there all along, the best my creator can offer, I just have missed it.

Too focused on the past to see what’s right in front of me, what’s here and now is so much more than before.

It’s the gentle wave of a new beginning.

Beauty and hope all wrapped up together in something truthful.

I hear you universe, whispering in my ear, “Push on forward, my gifts are just beginning.”

The Truth Can Sting A Bit

Sometimes the truth stings.

Sometimes it can be a serious blow to the ego.

But like my sponsor has taught me, nothing bad can ever happen from the truth.

Nothing can ever be wrong with being really real and just putting it out there.

That is what I’ve started to do in a safe anonymous space which is my blog.

Most do not live in truth, they dance around it, cover it up, avoid it, deny it, anything other than to face it.

I am now compelled to live in nothing other than the truth.

Unconditional Love

I will never feel the love I’ve been looking for by seeking to get it from others. It is by giving love that I feel love.

In the phrase giving love, it hints that it is a verb, an action, not a thing or noun.

Love is in the commitment to the action of being loving.

What that looks like for me is showing up when I say I will, teaching others what I’ve come to know, telling the truth whether someone wants it or not and not having this love be conditionally attached to people’s attitudes, actions and behaviors.

I take myself, my selfish needs and desires out of the equation and do what’s in the best interest of the other person.

Because I could never get any of the things I might be seeking from another anyway, it comes from my all loving creator.

So if I need nothing from you, if you could never take anything away from me by anything you say or do, there comes the love independent of conditions.

The closer I get to knowing this truth, not by my intellectual mind but by experience, the closer I get to feeling the oneness with my creator I have been craving my entire existence.