Run.. You are on quicksand

The law of the universe states that what goes up must must come down.

When highs are built on false happiness, unlike real joy that only comes from within, extreme lows will follow.

Outside solutions built on quicksand always fail us because the material world always demands more.

Material world, means the things that lie outside of us, money, success, relationships, attention, fame, adoration.

What once felt good becomes a need for more.

Relationships do not make us whole, they only temporarily make us feel better to mask the real problem of the spiritual hole within us if not filled with our creator.

“Make me feel better about myself.”

“Take away my sadness.”

“That fact that you love me makes me feel worthy.”

“Looking in your eyes makes me temporarily forget all my pain, all of the pain I’ve caused others just to get here.”

“Your beautiful and you love me so that must mean I’m beautiful.”

“Fill me up, make me whole, love me more, give me more of you, it’s not enough, it’s not enough, it’s just not enough, I’m not enough…”

The solution turns into the problem because you, human, will fail me.

I’ve failed me.

What was the cost of getting here, with you, right now?”

“Can I forgive it?”

Advertisements

The Risk

Every tiny decision carries us on this path to the place ahead of us that can’t be seen until we get there.

Choices that seem so trivial, yet every choice, every action, takes us further down a specific road.

Choices others make cause ripples too. If things others had done would’ve been different than the whole picture would have changed.

Any other time it may have been different. I may not have been ready to see you.

I could’ve not gone to this party.  I could’ve easily stayed home.

I do see you now.

I may have passed you up if things weren’t the way they are now, the way I am now.

I could’ve been too afraid to take a risk.

But I made a choice to take a risk on you the moment our eyes met, in a crowded room, full of music and laughter.

It seemed that everyone else vanished into the background and the music and laughter paused for just a moment.

You told me your name as I told you mine. We shared a nervous giggle as we spoke at the same time. You stuck out your hand and I reached for it.

And there it was. That thing that happens in an instant.

The feeling like you’ve always know one another, maybe in some other life.

I knew I was going to know you after that.

And I was right.

Where do we go from here?

Only the winding trail of the future knows.

Letting Go

One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I have a high capacity for justification. I can invariably hurt people and not see it. I lie to myself. I always have truth deep within me, but sometimes I’m far from admitting it. If I tell myself the truth, then I have to change. And if I don’t want to change, I continue to lie to myself and blame others.

I think I’m taking the easier, softer way by not having to courage to walk away from situations that are harmful to others, but really it’s because of my own selfishness. I don’t want to leave the comfort I get from someone’s attention, someone’s love, and I stay because I don’t want to be alone.

There will always come a time when the truth finds me, and I can no longer continue to live the lie. The people around me retaliate to my actions and it’s time to do the right thing.

Sometimes the right thing means walking away, freeing others from the hold I have on them. Loving them enough to allow them to finally find what they need, when I know it’s certainly not me.

The answer is always in loving more, loving myself and others. Letting go and moving on frees me from the suffering I create.

What is my choice to be?

Friendship

The truth is that what I miss the most, is the friendship we had.

Like when something great or something terrible happened, you were the first one I wanted to call.

I wanted to share the things I learned with you, because I knew you would always understand exactly what I was saying, like we spoke the same language.

I wanted to teach you the things I was taught.

Most of the time when I couldn’t put the things I wanted to say into words, I didn’t need to, because you always got it, just by the look in my eyes or the unspoken feeling expressed all over my face.

You would look at me and I knew it made sense to you.

I knew you would recognize the significance in the things we shared, that you shared the same passion for truth as I did.

The friendship I valued got overshadowed by worldly desires, complications, distractions and people that wanted to pull us apart.

Fear, selfishness, ambitions, pride and all things of ego destroyed the beauty that was not of this world, until there was nothing left but shreds of something unrecognizable.

And the rest of the story, as the story always goes on, is unwritten.

But my hope is that what is unwritten, is something not of darkness anymore, but that it is of the light.

Because there is always room for hope.

Always.

Just A Passing Car

I saw you the other day.

I was driving down a road on a time I normally don’t, in a huge city, and you passed right by me in your car.

I don’t know if you saw me, but I saw you. I hadn’t seen you in a long time. But that day, in this big city, on that road, at that time, we passed each other.

And all of a sudden it was fresh again. The feelings I keep thinking are gone and worked through just pop up again like it all happened yesterday. I felt sadness and a sense of loss, still, after all this time.

Like I still miss you. I still can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you chose someone else.

When we were together I never once pictured a time when you might be holding someone else at night, like you were holding me, like you are probably holding her now.

I was so sure it could never happen, like I knew the ending of a story I had read in my favorite book a thousand times.

I was so sure.

I was wrong like I’ve been so many times before about things I thought I was certain of.

Maybe this feeling will never leave. I fear it will never go away like a coffee stain on my favorite white t-shirt.

Love doesn’t ever go anywhere, even when the physical world breaks you apart from someone.

It’s all still like a dream that I woke up from, falling to floor of the truth after floating in what I thought was real. I guess you never felt the same about me as I did about you. I must have made it all up in a reality that I had created just to pretend.

I try to be happy for you.

If this is what you want, then it’s what I want. Above all else, the only meaning of true love is without conditions, which means that love doesn’t need to be returned.

Today, I want nothing from you but for you to follow your heart always, wherever that takes you.

Today you are only just a passing car in my life. Here one moment and gone the next like a stranger, like you were never even there.

That is how things are today.

The one thing I am grateful for is that I got the chance to experience loving you, even though it was one sided.

I wish you everything you dream for in life.

My love and prayers are always with you, my passing car.

What I Want

I want you wrapped around my finger, so I can hold my hand close to my heart and know you’ll be there.

I want you’re steps to follow mine on this path, and you can let me lead so if I get scared you will right behind be and maybe hold me close and tell me it will be okay.

I want you to call, if just to tell me you’ve not forgotten me, and that in your thoughts I stay, like the lingering scent of my perfume long after I am gone.

I want you to remind me, just every now and then, of all the reasons why you chose me, and continue to choose me, just in case I forget.

You asked me what I want.

I want you to let me in, all the way in, past your walls, your insecurities, your self protection, so that I can find a place to stay.

I only want all of you, all your spirit had to offer, all your fears and doubts, all your hopes and dreams, all the space in your heart that is open for me.

And maybe I’ll have more to add to this list tomorrow, but for now, all of this will do.

My Hand In His

Why is it that you meet certain people and immediately you feel connected, comfortable, close and it’s just…

Easy?

Like things just fall into place, there’s no struggle, no need to try, it’s just right.

Can it be called chemistry, destiny, magic, meant to be?

The gravitational pull of two people to each other, a perfect meeting of souls, a spark fanning flames of desire, an unexplainable need to know someone, encompasses you.

When you just fit together perfectly, effortlessly, beautifully, sinking in to one another, melting at each touch, you thank God for being blessed with the experience.

It’s like when I look in his eyes and can hide nothing, because everything I’m feeling is told in my eyes, and I see everything in his.

Whatever you call it, however we try to quantify it, it exists.

It’s just as real as the water in the pool I’m dipping my feet in right now.

It’s as real as my cold hand in his as we walk a dark trail to find the lights.

When I look at him my heart beat ripples like soft waves echoing outward from the pull of the moon.

Do I care so much why this is happening, or what it is that’s happening?

Or do I just allow it to be?

I think I’ll just allow it to be the beauty that it is.

And stay right here for now.

First Kiss

A first kiss with magic dust sprinkled on top.

Or was it the first?

Maybe in this existence, this time and space, this human experience, this was the first, but in many other lifetimes it had already happened.

Maybe when our souls met somewhere before now but we just don’t remember.

It tingled like the first, but had something familiar about it, like a connection, a comfort and safety known before.

Brought together in a twist of life’s intricate web woven, crossing paths at exactly this moment in time.

To have this first kiss yet again, to experience it yet again, to keep in time until the next first, is to live in each moment anew.

Exactly like first kisses are intended to be.

New Beginnings

With every ending is a new beginning, more beautiful, more deep and more lovely than before.

With every moment of deciding what I haven’t wanted, I’ve been able to discover what I do want.

Every time I have walked away from not good enough, I find that the universe provides me with something better.

It’s been there all along, the best my creator can offer, I just have missed it.

Too focused on the past to see what’s right in front of me, what’s here and now is so much more than before.

It’s the gentle wave of a new beginning.

Beauty and hope all wrapped up together in something truthful.

I hear you universe, whispering in my ear, “Push on forward, my gifts are just beginning.”