Time To Move On

When I feel guilt or shame over my own actions, I am not at peace and have more of a reason to be resentful at another.

The way to ease my soul is to do what I can to amend the situation and change going forward.

Blaming others is not the solution to mend my own unhappiness.

I may succeed in getting someone else to feel guilty over something, but the reason for my uncomfortableness is not fixed or healed by another’s feelings or attitudes.

The problem still resides within me.

Forgiveness does not mean I approve or agree with another’s actions, it means I accept their humanness and am ready to allow my heart to heal.

Forgiveness is so that I can move on.

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Facing The Hard Stuff

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As I sit on my wooden patio, the warm morning sun shining down on my face, in my favorite patio chair working on a writing assignment as part of my step 12, I am consumed by the past.

Something I try daily to avoid thinking about, as much as I try to keep it away and pretend I have no past, it’s still there.

I go through periods where I am able to be present, where I know that today I am safe, I am okay.

Then it oozes in through the cracks.

Something someone says will remind me of what happened and I realize I am not over it yet. I think I have worked through a specific resentment or fear but it pops back up like that Whack A Mole game.

As much as I want complete freedom from being affected by my past, I cannot attain it by avoidance.

I must face these events, beliefs and fears, leaning into them so that I can rewrite the story I tell myself and gain clarity.

Though I know the freedom I gain from looking at these feelings and areas that cause me pain, there’s this part of me that feels like I will break in two if I allow myself to really feel the feelings attached to my past.

The reason why I sit here on my patio in the fresh air and morning sun today, though this work is not my idea of fun, writing about the things about my life that still affect me and facing my fears, is so I can read it to someone, gain an outside perspective and ask God to remove these things from me so I can be free today.

Again my goal is to be present today.

To enjoy the moments of this precious life and find peace is what I’m seeking.

I chase it the way I chased drugs and alcohol.

I’m seeking freedom.

To enjoy the moments of this precious life and find peace is what I’m seeking.

I’m seeking freedom.

Blaming

 

Playing the victim hurts no one but myself. For so long I lived life blaming others for my troubles. Anger and resentment kept me spiritually sick and pretty miserable.

It blocks me from others and God.

When blocked from God, what keeps me from relapse?

As an alcoholic, I can’t afford to stay in anger and resentment.

I most always have had a part in my past problems. Whether it be the situations I placed myself in, my own actions, the people I brought into my life and the kind of choices I made, if I honestly look at myself I will find that I brought on this misery.

To cover up my own part, I get angry at others.

Not only can I find freedom from finding my part and letting go of anger but I grow spiritually and make better decisions, have better relationships and find more happiness.

By not playing the victim, I start creating my own destiny.

I am destined to repeat history if I don’t learn from it.

Forgiveness is not for others, it is for my own inner peace.

Today I will look at my part, learn from the past and forgive.

I will be free.

Being Loving

“The only way we know we love ourselves or anyone else is by the contracts we are willing to make and keep.”

I used to live by some pretty backwards ideas.

I would say I loved and cared about people but would have no problem intentionally hurting them or cutting them off entirely when they didn’t do what I wanted them to.

If in my reality it appeared that someone harmed me I would shut down or harm them in return.

Only was my reality truth?

Was it just my perception of reality?

I would intentionally try to make people I love feel bad by my words, actions or silence.

I failed to look at my part.

I couldn’t see the world through their eyes.

If I am to find freedom from repeating the past and freedom in general, it can’t be rooted in blaming others and then trying to get back at them in creatively passive aggressive ways.

The problem with this way of living is that it not only separated me from everyone around me that I claimed to “love” but I was actually harming myself and moving farther away from God.

If my motivations aren’t based in love but out of resentment, fear, control and anger then how can I love myself?

How can I love the person I am if I let the wrong doing of others, perceived or real, determine who I am and how I act in the world?

How do I know who I truly am?

How can I move towards God?

Love is not something I can just say.

It’s not an adjective.

Love today for me has to be a verb. It’s got to be in the action of being “loving”…

No matter what.