First Thing’s First

The problem of being stuck in self was the root of all my problems.

When I all I think about is how I am going to manage in this world, how I am going to have money, security, a career, friends, lovers, having fun, safety and everything else I can obsess about, the result is misery.

For me everything goes back to the relationship I have with my creator. If I trust this thing, if I believe it is always by my side, guiding and protecting me, then I have much less fear about life and my place in it.

I have surrendered to the fact that I am here to do the will of my creator first and not my own.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get to have an amazing life. In fact the more I put others first and serve my creator and humanity, the more my life steadily improves.

It sometimes feels like getting out of self is against my natural inclination. However it is only my ego that fights it, not the ultimate nature of my being.

I just continually do all I can to keep the gift of my awakening alive and take actions to not slip backwards into unconsciousness.

It works, it really does.

Friends and Truth

Thank god I have loving people in my life, surrounding me, that tell me the truth. They don’t co-sign on my crap and tell me what I want to hear to make me “feel better”.

They don’t hold my hand and placate me co-dependenttly.

That is not love.

They love me enough to risk me being angry by hearing the harsh truth from them.

If the ones I care about continually were to tell me that hurtful behaviour was okay, that I am right to be angry, cowardly, selfish and self centered, then my ego will grasp onto that and tell me I don’t need to change anything.

That I am justified in my actions.

I don’t need to grow towards anything better.

I am stuck.

But I choose those to surround myself with.

If I don’t really want truth and growth, I won’t allow people into my circle that won’t let me get away with selfish, ego driven behaviour.

If I stay stuck I do not grow.

I suffer.

And most of all harm myself.

“Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, DEPEND upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The Miracle Already IS

The miracle that happens for a girl like me through living a spiritual way of life, is to have another day alive and sober on this planet.

For whatever reason, I have a disease called alcoholism that is progressive and fatal. I hadn’t been able to live comfortably without putting something in my body to alter my mind for most of my life.

However, today I live free from the obsession to use a drink or a drug. Not only have I not used a mind altering substance in over eight months but I have had the most interesting and fun journey thus far.

At this point it cannot just about getting “relief”. I’m constantly shooting for happy, joyous and FREE.

And it happens.

So it baffles me that I used to deny the existence of an unconditionally loving God. According to the odds, I should be dead or loaded.

But I’m not.

If no human power can help me, no thing, job, amount of money, then my only hope is God.

So I pray every day to know God and his will for me.

Only someone like me, with alcoholism, would be granted the miracle and gift of life but then that not be enough, still be unsatisfied and want more.

This is the disease centered in self.

I have been granted the gift of life for today therefore my first priority has to be how can I love and serve God.

As long as I remember this and have gratitude in my heart, I can possibly have yet another day.

Just Allow God

My freedom is directly proportionate to the amount of trust I place in God’s hands.

The extent to which I feel responsibility over other people in work, family and friendship interactions, is a direct result of what role I believe God has all of this.

God is in charge or I feel it falls on me.

It’s one or the other.

If I understand that God is pure love, an unlimited force with a plan far greater than anything I could begin to comprehend, that what I would think should happen is extremely, extremely limited, then I can keep my eyes on my own growth and allow what is meant to be to unfold.

Sometimes that seems to look to me like chaos, unnecessary pain or just plain ignorance on other people’s part.

When I can let go of the self centered belief that I am responsible for others and what happens in the world around me, I allow God in.

I can breath.

I can experience peace.

I can be present in the moment.

All of the weight in the world can be lifted off my shoulders and I can be free.

Letting go of everything I think I know about the world and how things should be has been the most amazing gift.

I must continue to seek and surrender.

Today I will slow down, listen to the voice of God within me and do what’s presented to me.

Everything else I will let go of.

Today I will allow God in and push ego out.