Bad Luck???

I don’t believe there is such a thing as “bad luck”. There was a time when I would use those words to describe the things that happened to me that I didn’t like, or that I labeled as “bad”.

Now I see that everything that goes on in my life is a product of something on my part.

It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

I had read this line what felt like a thousand times until one day it clicked in a way it never had before.

I finally realized that though I had no control over other people’s actions, and may not have directly caused an action on someone else’s part, that if I went back far enough I could see a decision based on self that placed me in the position to be hurt. Even if that decision was as simple as seeing the signs but not walking away from harms way.

I saw that the chaos that happened in my outer life was a reflection of what was going on inside, that energetically I drew these events to me. If I had an argument, I had a part, because one person can’t argue. If I was treated poorly by someone in my life more than once, just maybe I allowed it.

Once I made a decision to not tolerate abuse, it just fell away from my life. Once I had hit a bottom with drama, it ended. Once I stopped believing in limitations, they vanished. Once I had enough of the kind of relationships that caused me pain and decided I was done settling with them, they didn’t happen any more.

They just may have been my creation, because deep down I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, so I couldn’t allow people who just wanted to love me, into my heart.

The bad news, if all this is true, is that I have no right to complain about “bad luck” because I am the cause.

The good news is that I don’t have to wait on the luck of the world to swing my way to finally be happy and free, I get to chose.

It’s up to me.

And that’s some really good news.

First Thing’s First

The problem of being stuck in self was the root of all my problems.

When I all I think about is how I am going to manage in this world, how I am going to have money, security, a career, friends, lovers, having fun, safety and everything else I can obsess about, the result is misery.

For me everything goes back to the relationship I have with my creator. If I trust this thing, if I believe it is always by my side, guiding and protecting me, then I have much less fear about life and my place in it.

I have surrendered to the fact that I am here to do the will of my creator first and not my own.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get to have an amazing life. In fact the more I put others first and serve my creator and humanity, the more my life steadily improves.

It sometimes feels like getting out of self is against my natural inclination. However it is only my ego that fights it, not the ultimate nature of my being.

I just continually do all I can to keep the gift of my awakening alive and take actions to not slip backwards into unconsciousness.

It works, it really does.

If I had no tomorrow

If I had no tomorrow I what would I do?

I would tell everyone I know how much I love them.

I would hug more.

I would kiss more.

I would touch more.

I wouldn’t be afraid.

I would say EVERYTHING I needed to say to the ones I needed to say it to.

I wouldn’t care what I am wearing, how much I weigh, how my hair looks or how much money I have in the bank.

I would go outside.

I would smell and touch flowers.

I would look for butterflies.

I would take off my shoes to feel the earth under my feet.

I would want to remember how the sun and wind feel on my skin.

I would sit under the moon and the stars in the night sky and hold those I love close.

I would sing more.

I would dance to my favorite music, like no one was watching.

I would be still and thank God for every moment of my precious life here on earth.



Because part of a whole is darkness do I define the whole as dark?

If pain exists in the space of a heart can joy find no room?

If choices are made can new ones travel back in time and erase what’s been?

Do I define myself by the sum of my past without considering the potential of my future?

Am I doomed to live in a world where labels, definitions, ideas, judgements, words, good, bad, right, wrong, enslave us all and I am only one of few in the lonely place with vision to see yet is not believed in?

Can there exist too much vision for one insignificant speck on the planet to handle?

Is insanity waiting to return to a mind and soul that naively perceived to have found peace or was it the cruel joke of perception that sanity never existed to begin with?

Can a path be changed that may be already written, predetermined, and must be fulfilled?


A Last Bit Of Truth

I was recently told that as light carriers, it’s nearly impossible for people to be in relationships with us. The reason is that it means constantly having to look in the mirror, constantly having to be in solution. Most humans can’t do it, especially alcoholics.

I can imagine that if the last girl I hurt could have one last chance to tell me how she felt about what I did, it might go something like this…

I know you know me well enough that I am unafraid to speak my truth. I don’t even know that it’s even a choice anymore. I can’t be unauthentic.

You need to hear this and I know you’re listening.

I wish sometimes I didn’t know what I know. I wish I didn’t see truth so clearly. I sometimes wish I could just stay in what’s easier and comfortable. My ego wants so badly to just hold on to things so tightly instead of letting go.

I am angry because I know it has nothing to do with me. I am angry because you knew how I felt and you kept pulling me to vocalise it. You kept taking.

It was all so you could feel better about you.

I am powerless over you. If it has nothing to do with me then I can do nothing to change it.

I could say that you did a great job in trying not to hurt me. I could ask you why you said the beautiful things you said to me that led me to believe that things were different than they really were & had me trusting in you.

You said I could trust you.

Need I remind you that you said things like, “Who says there is no God?”, as you looked into my eyes at the French cafe. Or I could ask why you sent texts that said things like, “I’ve been asking the universe for someone like you.”

I could analyse every conversation and ask you what you thought I would think or feel when hearing you say the things you did.

But what would that change in the end?

I never asked you for anything. I never asked for labels, commitments, more time, less time, future plans…

I just wanted you to be honest with me at all times. I didn’t want to be manipulated. All I wanted was the present with you, whenever that was.

I could say I feel used. I could say that it seems you actually thought very little about how I would be affected during this whole experience or that you really need to work on honest communication. You should’ve said more. You should’ve taken less from me.

Although answers may seem on the surface at times like they would help me make sense of all this, I know better. How can that be when I don’t believe you can even make sense of why you did the things you did?

In reality I already know what I need to know.

I feel a great deal of sadness because of the nature of alcoholism and the pain and wreckage that untreated ego and self causes.

I am so crushed.

I’m so disappointed.

At least I see that there are huge lessons in this experience and tremendous growth on the other side. It’s like the rainbow after the storm.

I’m just waiting on the rainbow.

Causing Harm To Others

As I am about to attempt to set right harm I have caused others I came across the name of someone I spent a good amount of time with before things got really, really bad.

She was someone who I knew had strong feelings for me. I think I was vaguely aware of what my motivation was at the time but self was so strong that I was only seeking for what I needed and thought very little about how I was affecting her. She was a coworker and even though I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to cross that boundary, I did it anyway.

Now I can see that I spent time with her because she thought I was so wonderful. I didn’t want to be alone. It felt really good. Even though I knew I just didn’t feel the same, I hoped the feelings would develop.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I fell for someone who thought I was so amazing for once?

We hung out all the time and had a lot of fun. She would tell me about how her vision boards changed her life and how focus on putting positivity into the world came back to her. She was a huge light in the darkness I had lived in.

The problems came when the feelings didn’t follow. I think I knew somewhere inside they never would. So the longer we hung out the worse it got because she wanted something from me that I couldn’t give. I pushed away from her, using excuses that it was what she had done or not done.

I didn’t stop to think that she could feel and experience that I didn’t feel the same. She wasn’t going to walk away though. It caused her to suffer.

It turned out to eventually end in a painful way for her. I walked away with a huge resentment. Ironically, she took my job after I was let go.

What I could’ve done if I wasn’t so afraid and self centred was to be truthful with her when I knew I was never going to be in a place where I would feel the same. I could’ve freed her and allowed her to find what she was looking for.

Was I really doing her a favour by not speaking my truth? Was I really trying not to hurt her or was it all about me and what I needed?

I know now it was about me and what I needed, nothing to do with her. I caused her much more pain by not telling her the truth the moment I knew. She deserved the truth and to continue her journey without me. And what she must have been feeling knowing the truth but still waiting for me to just say it must have been awful.

It is the subtle ways I caused harm that can go unnoticed if I am not thorough.

The hope in this is that now that I am conscious of my behaviour, I can’t change the past but I can work on how I affect others, starting now.

I am constantly reminded that living a spiritual path takes effort in the day I’m in.  Amazingly enough, when I am consumed by problems, taking the focus off the problems and focusing on my spiritual maintenance makes all the problems fall away.

Focusing on how I can replace fear, anger, judgement, guilt and shame, with love for myself and others changes everything. For a girl like me, starting my day with a spiritual reading, followed by prayer and meditation, is a necessity.

I can only shift from starting my day driven by ego to allowing spirit to guide me by plugging into to my power source which is God.

I laid in bed for 20 minutes this morning after waking, trying so hard to fall back asleep, instead of just getting up when my body woke me.  During those 20 minutes, I got a good look at my alcoholism.  My mind just was waiting for me to wake up so it could start shouting at me. Thoughts came of the days before, past judgements on myself, what could happen in the future, what could go wrong and I was having conversations with people in my mind that I wished I could have had differently.

Thoughts circled in my mind round and round until I just had to get up and connect with God. I asked for help to be loving, kind and gentle with myself and others.  I sat with a girl who I am guiding through this journey as well and helped her through conversation and direction.

We had an amazing conversation and connected through our similar experiences.  Getting out of self, I felt a calm and peace.

Being loving, giving of myself and sharing the solution to suffering is true fulfillment.

Love is the answer to all my problems today.

I can only connected with God in the present moment.

I must slow down to be present.

I find peace and love only by grounding myself in the now.

A Look Into The Past

As I look back on the past and the life I have lived I can’t hold the sadness at bay. I am in the process of looking at the harm I have caused myself and others, as part of my spiritual journey. Immersed in the past, I can’t help but feel great sadness for all of the darkness and pain.

Loss of relationships, betrayal, selfishness and fear is all I can see of my past when stuck in self. I have participated in the darkness and never believed anything else existed. It was a sad life to live.

This new journey has many highs and lows. Thanks to my alcoholism, the lows can be full of suffering. My thinking constantly blurs the lines of reality and truth. When forgetting to rely upon God, I can’t see truth.

I need.

I am needy.

I seek validation, comfort and love and forget that I will never be whole while taking that approach. I am only okay when relying upon God and in a state of serving my fellow humans.

That means focusing on how I be the most loving to everyone.

When seeking to get “mine”, to get validation from others, to achieve in the material world, I hurt others. I forget about how I affect others entirely. I miss the present. I can’t connect with those around me. If it’s all up to me, I can’t handle it. I tire easily. I am spinning and everything goes to shit.

I am only okay when giving love and shining light on the dark. It’s a daily necessity. I must constantly focus on gaining power from the spirit within me. To find peace I must connect with God.

Making peace with my past can be a struggle with an ego that wants me to feel guilt and shame. The only way to stop ego is with spiritual growth.

The only way past the pain is through.