Survive

Getting sober is not for the faint at heart. A lot of times things come up from the past. Memories of events too painful for our psyche to deal with finally surface. We have shoved these events far down in our consciousness.

Sometimes these things that happen when we are children are so traumatic that it’s like we never knew they happened to us. It feels like remembering for the first time. It’s not an easy thing to confront.

I watch as women around me just can’t move past the pain. They just can’t face these traumas and they don’t make it.  I thank God for those lessons in what I don’t want to be.

So many of us women don’t make it.

As much as I don’t want these things to have happened to me, as much as I wish it would just go away, that it wasn’t THIS specific person, it doesn’t make it not true. It doesn’t make it go away. It can’t change what has already happened.

To try avoid going through this would be a death sentence.

Why has this come up now after all these months? I wish I understood.

My spiritual guide says that the timing of these memories surfacing is no mistake, that God doesn’t reveal things to us that we are not ready to handle. She says if it comes up, it’s time.

I made a decision a long time back that if I was going to get sober again that I was going to be one of the ones who make it. I see that this can be survived. I believe it to be true.

I know there are solutions if only I reach for them. Even when paralysed with sadness, sometimes if I can just lift a finger in that direction, I can see the horizon of hope.

All I have to do is be willing to try.

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Unlearn Everything

“We don’t need to learn anything new. We just need to unlearn everything we think we know.”

I never realized that I was going to try to just settle for an average life. Old beliefs, the ones I never even questioned or stopped to think about where they came from, kept me from believing I could go anywhere and do anything I could dream up.

My deepest dreams seemed somehow unreachable. So one by one as I grew up from being a child, I let them all go. I was told that I needed a college education to be anything, that I would have to work hard for my money (and not necessarily enjoy it), that if I didn’t get married and have children something was off with me. I believed I should find “the one” and it should last forever.

I believed that to have a powerful impact on my children, I had to be physically present with them everyday. These are just some of the beliefs that determined how I lived life. No one ever told me to just be who I felt I was meant to be. That I could just be free to be me and what everyone else is doing may not equal happiness.

My experience so far has been that anything is possible and love wins over everything else. Being loving without conditions on that love not only grants me freedom but it creates a path for the impossible to occur.

My job is not hard. It doesn’t feel like work. I get to be me. I get to be of service to amazing girls. I get the daughters I never had. I get to be around those that are walking the same path towards enlightenment that I travel.

The bond I have with my children through the love I have given and continue to give is beyond anything. I don’t have to live with them or do the things most moms do to be their hero. It’s the love that they recognize and eat up.  

It’s why my 15 year old sings me songs in the car that people have made about their moms. It’s why he tells me more than most teenage boys tell their parents. It’s why his smile and eyes shine when we are together. It’s why he feels safe with me. It’s why he proudly talks to his friends about who his mom is. It’s the reason he asks me to stay longer because it’s important to him for me to meet his girlfriend.

My love, he says, is the reason he feels encouraged to follow his truth and succeed.

Success means something totally different to me today. It doesn’t consist of a pay check, money, the car, the house, the intimate partner, the admiration of others or anything like that.

Today it means that my life is full of love and close relationships, self respect, self love, inner peace and fulfillment. It’s only been seven and a half months on this new part of my human journey and I’ve gained so much of what I always wanted but was looking in all the wrong places for.

Gratitude fills my heart and if I really take a good look at truth, I’m already exactly where I need to be.

Witnessing Miracles

My sober friend, a walking miracle, who travels this road towards truth beside me.

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No Matter What

If there is one thing I know to be true

On this journey towards the light

The one thing I need to always honor

To be able to live on this earth without needing to reach for something to quiet my mind

Is to live in and speak up for truth

No matter what the world thinks

No matter what those around me think

Whether people leave me or don’t leave me

Whether people like it or don’t like it

I answer to my creator

I need to have the courage to carry the message of truth

I need to stand in the light of solution

I need to speak up about God, that all knowing creative intelligence that performs miracles on those like me that have been lifted out of darkness and shown the way

I know that my soul cannot tolerant the false reality around me that most choose to live in

I have been granted a gift and my primary purpose is to honor that

 

Honoring That Voice

There is a voice inside me speaking clearly

It comes not from my head but from the center of my being

It wants me to give, love and serve others

Spirit wants me to just love and serve you

Right here

Right now

It wants me to follow where it leads

Ego wants to tell me otherwise

Oh but my past, the things I’ve done, the life I have led, the things that have happened, I won’t get what I need, everyone will leave me, I am who I have thought I was

Don’t trust

Be afraid to love

Let no one in

My story, my story, my story

Spirit says trust in me and you will be free

I am not my past

I am not that character I have played in my story

Through following the voice of my creator that lives inside me

By answering to that voice and no one else

Making no apologies for honoring the gift of knowing

I become who God intended me to be

My path becomes clearer

Purpose is revealed

I grow closer to the feeling of oneness and connection to all things in the universe

Walking through fear and constantly in trust

I find the freedom I have always been seeking