Tears In The Background

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My latest lesson has been uncovering the truth about the pain that has been unacknowledged by me, over the separation from my children the past 2 years. I have been unwilling to look at it and let it in, so therefore it has been just haunting me.

In my eyes, under every smile, every laugh, has been a sign of mourning and sadness. No matter what I do, it’s there.

There are times when I understand that this is my life. There are times when I know that my children have their own autonomous path that may or may not include me daily.

I trust God.

Yet there are most times when my heavy heart aches because they aren’t near.

Tears aren’t far from my eyes at any given moment.

I want to find freedom from this suffering so I wrote a letter to God about this recently and went over it with my spiritual guide. We talked about how to get into solution concerning this pain.

We talked about loving my clients the way I would love my kids. Giving the women I care for the same love I express with my children. Because in all reality they are no different than my kids. If I wasn’t the mom in this story, would I believe they deserved any less love than my boys?

Loving my clients, or anyone in my life, is loving my children. When I love others I am helping make the planet a better place for my kids. We are all connected.

For some reason this helps relieve my suffering.

When I can see everyone as “one life” then the way I act to different people is exactly the same. Ego is the only thing that causes me to act differently depending on who is in front of me.

Ego is what is suffering from being apart from my boys.

I want to live in spirit.

I want to be the mom God intended me to be.

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Firmly Planted On The Ground

Today I was reading in my morning meditation book about God wanting our heads in the clouds with God but our feet planted firmly on the ground because this is where our work is to be done.

I think all of me was floating in the clouds for most of the first year of my sobriety and I did not want to come down and firmly live as a human on earth.

It was a beautiful experience that I cherish.

However, no matter how much I didn’t want to connect to my human side and come down, it happened anyway.

It feels like I came down hard.

Even though it feels uncomfortable and terribly painful, it is the touchstone of growth.

I heard a song lyric the other day that comforts me and it says, “even the best fall down sometimes”.

I don’t have to be perfect, I am already perfectly perfect just how I am.

If I am to be who God wants me to be and do God’s work then it must be here on earth, connected fully with mind, body and spirit.

This is the new part of my journey and I must remember that I am never alone in this.

God is all around me in every moment, with every breath I take and with every step I make, no matter where I go.

Honoring This Gift

In this period of completing a year sober, I look back on all the people who had at one point been on this journey with me but did not make it.

They have just fallen away from my life, usually back into drugs and alcohol.

I often wonder why me?

I constantly ask God what is it that I’m meant to do on this planet.

I must have a purpose.

Sometimes I feel solid in knowing what that is.

Sometimes I feel lost and I don’t know what God wants from me.

That’s when I’m pushed into seeking more.

At all times when I’m brought to my knees by confusion, lack of answers, loss of direction, sadness and pain, as long as I stay close to my creator, there is the other side awaiting me.

On the other side is more self knowledge, more consciousness and always there is more love.

Whatever the reasons I am still here are, above all else, I honor this gift of life and sobriety today.

1 Year and 1 Day Sober

Yesterday I turned one year sober. I started to write this on the actual day but couldn’t finish it because my day was so full of love, joy, emotion and amazing experiences.

I can’t even seem to put into words all that I am feeling.

To know the change that has occurred in me, to be able to see the woman I have become, to feel my heart full of gratitude for the life I know I have today because of God’s grace and the willingness to allow God to work through me, is something indescribable.

It’s never been about just not using drugs and drinking for me this time.

It’s not been about counting the days behind me that I have collected abstinent from substances that alter me.

It’s been about seeking a relationship with and connecting to this all knowing, all loving creator of everything and everyone.

It’s been about spiritual growth.

It’s been about my soul’s evolution and experiencing a freedom like I’ve never known.

The gift of willingness I have been granted, that you can’t buy or sell, has been graced upon me for what reason I do not know, but I hope to always keep, and has transformed me into the person that God intended me to be.

Today that’s more than enough for me.

Why Do Some Get And Stay Sober?

No two human experiences are ever the same. There can similarities but really everyone has their own journey maybe only understood by the one having it.

As far as drug addicts and alcoholics, the mystery is how some people get sober young, some old or some never.

Some people get sober and stay sober for their entire life and some get sober and relapse, get sober and relapse.

I can’t even fully answer the question of my own journey. I often wonder what it was about me that just couldn’t get it and keep it.

Even though it has been my path I don’t regret any of it.

I try not to spend too much time “figuring it out”.

Trying to “figure it out” never helped me before.

Staying present is my biggest tool for peace in my life.

What matters to me most now is what I’ve done this far to have a new and different experience with the 12 steps and with life.

I see more now than ever before.

I am more conscious than ever before.

I have more courage, faith, belief, trust, awareness, calm, peace, joy, freedom and hope than ever before.

That is what is important to me today.

11 Months

Today marks eleven months of sobriety without any mind altering substances.

Coming to believe in an all loving creator has transformed everything about me. Building a relationship with my creator, placing my life in his hands and slowly walking step by step, hand in hand with faith, has made this last eleven months the most amazing time in my life.

It has been full of triumphs and heartache. I have had moments of feeling lost and moments of bliss.

That’s the human experience.

Most of all, I finally have the solid belief that anything is possible and limits have seemed to fall away.

Continually I learn, grow and awaken.

How could I not be grateful for my life as it is today compared to how I’ve lived before this?

Falling to Pieces: Heartbreak

Last night I cried.

A lot.

I cried harder and more than I think I have in nine months.

Just the right elements lined up for the perfect storm.

I was just coming out of being really sick.

I’m overtired.

I’m over worked.

I’m trying to get over a breakup.

I’m emotional.

And for eight months I had been going to this AA women’s meeting, basically ever since I got sober.

For eight months I have been watching newcomer women, including all girls who’ve ever gone through my sober living, attend this meeting and feel alienated, judged, crossly spoke to and not felt welcomed, all at the hands of a specific group of women with years of sober time.

Girl after girl has shared with me over an eight month period that they have just felt just plain uncomfortable in that room.

The group of women who have been constants at this meeting over the years, have been breaking tradition by governing the meeting and the women who attend it, just for starters.

Last week, after the secretary harshly ordered everyone to “Stay off your phones” and directed it specifically at one of the new girls in my sober living, we all tried to get into solution about what we could bring to the meeting, instead of just walking away from it altogether.

It was important to me not to give up on it, since this is a meeting place where people from all over the world come to when in town and newcomers come to get sober.

This new girl, who gets anxious sitting for an hour and had been on her phone the previous week, was scared to death to go back into that meeting all together.

It was disappointing to watch her get judged and reprimanded in a non-loving way.

One of the girls had the suggestion to nominate me for secretary, with the intention of bringing some fresh speakers and solution based energy to the meeting. Although it was a commitment I wasn’t thrilled about taking for reasons I will discuss, I said I would do it, for them.

The reason I was less than thrilled to take the commitment as co-secretary of this meeting is because this group of people with time that I speak of, consists of of close friends of this this person I had been seeing and was in love with.

The relationship had just ended three weeks ago.

Throughout our time together, we had been on again, off again. We had struggled to find common ground. Unfortunately, what hurt it the most was the miscommunication. We both did our fair share of behavior we weren’t proud of.

I know I did.

However because the details of our relationship had been discussed at the meeting after the meeting, which was mainly with this specific group of women who hardly knew me other than what they heard about me, their opinion of me changed.

It made it hard for me to attend this meeting.

I want to make clear that I don’t in any way blame this person I was with for anything that happened last night as a result of what these women had heard about me, though initially out of anger, I did.

This person did not do anything wrong and was also powerless over the outcome. I could tell they were extremely uncomfortable with what went on and I feel for this person too.

We both got caught in the middle and that breaks my heart.

I wish I could tell them that.

So the girls and I attended our first business meeting, last night, at this meeting.

What set the tone was the fact that when the business meeting was announced by the secretary, she omitted that they would be voting in a new co-secretary, purposely.

They clearly already had someone in mind that they wanted to make sure got voted in, the current co-secretary’s sponsor.

All of the girls from my sober living sat on one side of the table while on the other was this group of women. The way we were treated by these women can only be described as extremely unwelcoming.

They were far from excited to have fresh new people take interest in the meeting or AA for that matter and we were treated as such.

It’s not about the fact I didn’t get the commitment, at all.

I didn’t really want it.

It’s how it all went down. How they were treated. How it flew in the face of everything AA is supposed to be.

And I felt powerless.

It was about bringing hope to something they wanted to change for the better and for the first time in their lives, sober, took part in an effort towards change.

The looks on their faces when I walked back in after the so called “vote” said it all. They hadn’t been allowed to speak, had been cut off, shut down and not treated as an equal part of the whole. Though others were allowed to speak out of turn and question, they were not.

After sitting through this meeting, where the secretary glared at them and when they didn’t accept other available commitments spouted, “Are ANY of you here for a commitment?”, I felt the burn of anger well up inside me.

Long story short, I got pissed, said how I really felt to those women about what they were doing and stormed out of the business meeting.

What bothers me the most is that whatever information these women were operating off of about me, came from the person I loved. Ironically, before we broke it off, they had been the first one to suggest that I run for secretary.

Their best friend, who knows everything about me, knows how hard it has been for me to build a life away from the city where my children live, knows I have a full time job here and have no plans of moving back to where I was from, called me out before the vote questioning whether I would stay for the duration of the commitment. She also questioned my length of sobriety, though the current secretary had the same amount of time when she was voted in.

It was intentional and hurtful.

I had once been so close with those two.

One of the girls asked me last night, as I sobbed on the front steps, “Did you ever even cry over your breakup with this person?”.

The answer was no.

The floodgates opened last night to everything I had been holding onto, not just that.

So after stomping my feet, crying and letting it out last night, today I begin looking at my part.

I don’t want to get lost in the story of it all. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to blame.

I want the solution to this.

I want to be free.