Tears In The Background

image

My latest lesson has been uncovering the truth about the pain that has been unacknowledged by me, over the separation from my children the past 2 years. I have been unwilling to look at it and let it in, so therefore it has been just haunting me.

In my eyes, under every smile, every laugh, has been a sign of mourning and sadness. No matter what I do, it’s there.

There are times when I understand that this is my life. There are times when I know that my children have their own autonomous path that may or may not include me daily.

I trust God.

Yet there are most times when my heavy heart aches because they aren’t near.

Tears aren’t far from my eyes at any given moment.

I want to find freedom from this suffering so I wrote a letter to God about this recently and went over it with my spiritual guide. We talked about how to get into solution concerning this pain.

We talked about loving my clients the way I would love my kids. Giving the women I care for the same love I express with my children. Because in all reality they are no different than my kids. If I wasn’t the mom in this story, would I believe they deserved any less love than my boys?

Loving my clients, or anyone in my life, is loving my children. When I love others I am helping make the planet a better place for my kids. We are all connected.

For some reason this helps relieve my suffering.

When I can see everyone as “one life” then the way I act to different people is exactly the same. Ego is the only thing that causes me to act differently depending on who is in front of me.

Ego is what is suffering from being apart from my boys.

I want to live in spirit.

I want to be the mom God intended me to be.

Advertisements

Out of self, more God

The disease of alcoholism is alive and well inside me even when abstaining from mind altering substances.

It took me many relapses to finally see what that meant for myself and to have enough willingness to treat it.

The day can be perfect. I can wake up with a beautiful day before me, read spiritual literature, be grateful to God for my life and my sobriety and hold tremendous hope for the day ahead.

All it takes is a second and a thought and I’m in my alcoholism. I’m consumed with the past, the pain, the “mistakes”, the darkness, the fear, the things that “happened to me”. My ego, self and thinking have taken over and all of a sudden I am overwhelmed with the perception that things are not okay.

Thoughts happen, a lot of thoughts at a rapid rate, and they circulate around and around in my mind.

I’m for a time, convinced that I should be in guilt, shame and unhappiness for the life I’ve lived. Hope disappears and I feel like I can’t participate in the day.

These thoughts override everything, when in reality, nothing has changed.

I doubt myself, my choices, my path and I just want to crawl deep inside myself, alone and sink into thinking my way out of it, or perhaps not anything like that but just staying there.

It’s a miserable place to be. I want to retreat from life.

It never fails that when I am focused on self, how I am possibly going to get what I want and need, I get miserable and fearful very quickly.

So what do I do?

Thank God I have the answers laid out before me. Thank God I am now aware of when this is my alcoholism because when I am coming from a place of my spirit, witnessing this occurring, I can take action to release myself from this needless suffering.

I can bring my body and my spirit and my mind has no choice but to follow.

I can move towards God away from self and selfishness. I can reach out to others with light and love.

Between the fight of ego and spirit, the one that wins is the one I feed.

So all I have to do is choose to feed the light within me.

The light burns brighter and the darkness fades.

The only thing I know that cuts through darkness is to shine a light where it lives.

A Mom Living Apart From My Babies

As I sit here smoking a cigarette overlooking the pool on my patio steps, two hours a way from where my home used to be where my two sons live, tears fall down my cheeks in waves.  I finally opened the cellophane wrapped school pictures that were taken this year.  I was given them almost two weeks ago when I last spent the weekend with my children for a visit.

Why have a waited almost two weeks to take out the tucked away photos and look at them for the first time?

Maybe because I wasn’t ready.  Maybe because it is too painful.  Maybe because it is a bitter reminder of a picture day I had missed for the first time.  A first time I did not pick out there clothes the night before, styled their hair in the morning and let them know as they went out into the world for that day that they are beautiful inside and out.

This is the most recent in a series of first events or occasions I have missed since getting sober this time.  I was not there for Christmas, New Years, a first basketball game of the season, a first high school baseball game, a 15th birthday and now, a school picture day.

Why do I not run home to them when my soul aches to be near them?  Why do I not seek and manipulate a way back to them so I can be a part of these occasions that have belonged to me and to us for so many years?

The answer is because of what I am and the disease I suffer from and what is necessary to treat it.  After many, many attempts to run back to be a physically present mother first and not putting the treatment of my disease number one over everything else, I have yet to “stay” clean and sober.  Once again, I am back to a beginning after going through another period of great suffering trying to get and keep this thing called sobriety.

I just can’t be the mother who puts everything else before my own well being and make it work.  I can’t go back and be the mother I was at one time.

My primary purpose on this earth is to stay sober, seek God and help others do the same.  The only solution to my condition is a spiritual awakening.  I have finally suffered enough defeat to thoroughly understand this concept.  I must seek God and work towards a growing consciousness, finding my purpose on this planet if I am to be free from needing to alter myself chemically just to exist in the world.

For me, it’s one or the other.

I have found that spiritual growth and constant focus on clearing away the things that block me from myself, God and others gives me a daily freedom from the need to alter myself.  There is nothing more important to me today that having this freedom and keeping a centered and peaceful inner self.  Only with this work do I get a life, experience joy, laughter and gratitude that fills my heart.  Who would have thought that what I had been seeking all along in alcohol and drugs, which turned on me and failed me, I would find in spirituality and God?

I may not be the mother I once was, in the way I was but I still get to be a mother and my boys still get to have me in their life in a better way.  Today I believe that I will be a mother that is more impactful than what they have ever gotten to experience before.  I will be the kind of mom that God intended me to be, a light to balance out the darkness, a way out of the problems and a guide to becoming who they are meant to be.

I will be an inspiration.

This hope and faith is what keeps my butt where I am.  It’s not easy and some days are harder than others.  But it’s not just about me anymore and how I feel about things.  This has become about all of us, ascending into a better life, something greater.

My part in this?  Well, it’s to stay on the path set out for me, remain teachable and to keep seeking answers from within.

For today, I am okay, my children are okay and everything is exactly how it should be.

There Is A Way Out Of The Darkness

There was a time I didn’t believe in anything but the problems in the world and everyone in it.  It’s like all I saw was suffering, pain, heartache and the unfairness of it all.    

Only through looking back on what landed me where I am today can I see that I just had to put “something” in my body to survive, to deal with that despair and try to appear to other humans like  I was functioning fine like I believed everyone else to be.  I always thought that I was the one that was somehow “wrong” because I could not achieve this false idea of success that I thought I saw everyone around me obtaining.  I would have spurts of physical world achievement, the job, the money, the house and then always at some point, burn out and take giant steps backwards.  Sinking deeper and deeper into what I viewed as failure, hurting more and more people and harboring more and more resentments, the world closed in around me.

I had no idea that my vision of the world was directly a result of the way I felt about myself.  If someone would have told me this at the time, I could not have heard it, like a lot of things said that make an impact on me today.  I had been asleep, unconscious and distracted by the physical world.

Today I am able to here what I need to here to keep evolving spiritually to head towards the truth. It comes one piece at a time, which for an impatient person like me sometimes feels like it’s not enough but I know that it has to come slow for the growth to take root.  Only when I slow down and work to quiet my mind am I able to really see things that I need see to take the next step in fulfilling my purpose on this earth.  Today I know that I can’t ever be a part of any solution unless I take a hard look at myself and be that change first.  If immersed in the voice that lives between my ears, I start believing that I need things, people and events to be okay.  My reality becomes the thought that the only solution to find happiness and fulfillment in this world has to be only in those things appearing, people behaving and events happening exactly the way I want them to.  That is a lie that I will tell myself if not constantly striving to stay God centered.

There is such freedom in the awareness that I can rely on something bigger than my head today.  I can listen to the voice of God that resides in me.  When I listen to that voice, I have hope, experience love and the people around me appear not as the enemy but the same as me and I feel connected to everything.  

The universe is truly opening up today in my life as a direct result of having faith in God and the willingness to give every part of me and my life over to the care of that God.  I am so relieved that I don’t believe anymore that living a life with purpose has to come from me, because alone, I can’t do it.