I have many shortcomings. One of which is being deep, about everything, all the time. It’s so hard for me to be light. To not spiral up or down about everything. I know that about myself. I scare people away with it sometimes, a lot of the time actually. It’s like with me it’s black or white. Like I can’t just let things be what they are and not think days, months or years ahead. Or I can’t not dissect every little thing and make permanent decisions based on temporary thoughts or feelings. Even after all this time of working on becoming self aware, there is still so much to learn! Someone asked me today why I completely turn my back and walk away from people I care about. She said life is short. We are only here for a minute so why would I do that? She said it seems that I can’t deal directly with people to work things out, that I avoid. It’s so true. I ask God today to relieve me of this defect and free me from my never ending stream of thoughts, opinions and fears, so that I may have a different experience on the planet.
Taking an honest look at my past is valuable because it can be used as my doorway to freedom.
I say this because unless I know where I came from and what those experiences taught me about the world I live in, I won’t be able to see how and why I keep recreating it over and over today.
The continual unconscious drive to keep living out the same insanity keeps me in bondage.
Unless and until I become awake to the patterns of my actions and the underlying beliefs behind them, I am unable to make new choices and do something different for a different result.
As a survivor of molestation by someone who was supposed to be my protector, I have continued out that cycle by the choices I have made in my intimate life.
What seemed “normal” to me was that the person who was supposed to protect me was actually my abuser, like a kidnapped victim falling for their kidnapper.
I couldn’t see what was actually happening.
I didn’t understand why this was happening over and over again.
I didn’t know that I was the one who was creating it now.
I have become to see this play out in my life today and now can recognise it much quicker and finally have the awareness to make new choices and take different actions that lead me towards a better existence.
More consciousness develops from this inside work.
I get closer and closer to the life I want.
That is what I call freedom.
Yesterday I turned one year sober. I started to write this on the actual day but couldn’t finish it because my day was so full of love, joy, emotion and amazing experiences.
I can’t even seem to put into words all that I am feeling.
To know the change that has occurred in me, to be able to see the woman I have become, to feel my heart full of gratitude for the life I know I have today because of God’s grace and the willingness to allow God to work through me, is something indescribable.
It’s never been about just not using drugs and drinking for me this time.
It’s not been about counting the days behind me that I have collected abstinent from substances that alter me.
It’s been about seeking a relationship with and connecting to this all knowing, all loving creator of everything and everyone.
It’s been about spiritual growth.
It’s been about my soul’s evolution and experiencing a freedom like I’ve never known.
The gift of willingness I have been granted, that you can’t buy or sell, has been graced upon me for what reason I do not know, but I hope to always keep, and has transformed me into the person that God intended me to be.
Today that’s more than enough for me.
If there is one thing I know to be true
On this journey towards the light
The one thing I need to always honor
To be able to live on this earth without needing to reach for something to quiet my mind
Is to live in and speak up for truth
No matter what the world thinks
No matter what those around me think
Whether people leave me or don’t leave me
Whether people like it or don’t like it
I answer to my creator
I need to have the courage to carry the message of truth
I need to stand in the light of solution
I need to speak up about God, that all knowing creative intelligence that performs miracles on those like me that have been lifted out of darkness and shown the way
I know that my soul cannot tolerant the false reality around me that most choose to live in
I have been granted a gift and my primary purpose is to honor that
God exists not only in each one of us but in the space between you and I.
I cannot claim to want to experience intimacy if I cannot give up trying to protect myself.
The two cannot coexist.
I can only be in true connection with myself, God and others, when I truly allow myself to be vulnerable.
I can only be free when I stop trying to control the universe which will not be controlled.
My soul WILL evolve whether my ego likes it or not.
I will choose to be free.
Playing the victim hurts no one but myself. For so long I lived life blaming others for my troubles. Anger and resentment kept me spiritually sick and pretty miserable.
It blocks me from others and God.
When blocked from God, what keeps me from relapse?
As an alcoholic, I can’t afford to stay in anger and resentment.
I most always have had a part in my past problems. Whether it be the situations I placed myself in, my own actions, the people I brought into my life and the kind of choices I made, if I honestly look at myself I will find that I brought on this misery.
To cover up my own part, I get angry at others.
Not only can I find freedom from finding my part and letting go of anger but I grow spiritually and make better decisions, have better relationships and find more happiness.
By not playing the victim, I start creating my own destiny.
I am destined to repeat history if I don’t learn from it.
Forgiveness is not for others, it is for my own inner peace.
Today I will look at my part, learn from the past and forgive.
I will be free.