Nothing Left To Loose

Much has changed
Some things haven’t

Thoughts of you are like being in a house of mirrors
Which ever I way I turn
I face reality without you
It comes and goes like waves

For a long time I don’t think of you…
Until I do

Waking up
sometimes
I wonder where you are
Are you thinking of me?
Do I think of you because somewhere, out there, I can tell I am on your mind?
You rejected me
Not once
Not twice
Too many times to count
The blades of each time scarred me
And my chest carries the weight of life without you
So heavy
Merciless

Like an unwanted visitor
You invade my peace at night
when the moon shines on my dreams
Some days
On the street
you are in every face
I deleted all photos of you
But I forget and search my phone anyway
Why did I do that?
I then remember
Photos with your face next to mine
The smell of your skin
Reminds me that it all is no longer there
That it never was there, or anywhere
Like a moving image
That dissipated and dissolved into nothingness

But it all still lives there my heart
And your not here to feel it

Your truth is yours to keep
And I have no judgement
There is no anger, no resentment
You’ve done nothing wrong
If I weren’t in the story
I would champion your search
I would tell you to never to give up
I would admire your determination

After all, I have it that determination too
We are alike in that way

And my truth is…
I stay away
Because
I never again wish to be second best to anyone
To never feel the burn of rejection
To be the one, the only one

To stare into the gaze of the one I am with and see nothing behind their eyes but a knowing that I am the one they want

I won’t waiver on that
So there is no bridge to cross
No ground to meet in the middle
It’s the same old stalemate

No doubt
Just love

 

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Just A Passing Car

I saw you the other day.

I was driving down a road on a time I normally don’t, in a huge city, and you passed right by me in your car.

I don’t know if you saw me, but I saw you. I hadn’t seen you in a long time. But that day, in this big city, on that road, at that time, we passed each other.

And all of a sudden it was fresh again. The feelings I keep thinking are gone and worked through just pop up again like it all happened yesterday. I felt sadness and a sense of loss, still, after all this time.

Like I still miss you. I still can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you chose someone else.

When we were together I never once pictured a time when you might be holding someone else at night, like you were holding me, like you are probably holding her now.

I was so sure it could never happen, like I knew the ending of a story I had read in my favorite book a thousand times.

I was so sure.

I was wrong like I’ve been so many times before about things I thought I was certain of.

Maybe this feeling will never leave. I fear it will never go away like a coffee stain on my favorite white t-shirt.

Love doesn’t ever go anywhere, even when the physical world breaks you apart from someone.

It’s all still like a dream that I woke up from, falling to floor of the truth after floating in what I thought was real. I guess you never felt the same about me as I did about you. I must have made it all up in a reality that I had created just to pretend.

I try to be happy for you.

If this is what you want, then it’s what I want. Above all else, the only meaning of true love is without conditions, which means that love doesn’t need to be returned.

Today, I want nothing from you but for you to follow your heart always, wherever that takes you.

Today you are only just a passing car in my life. Here one moment and gone the next like a stranger, like you were never even there.

That is how things are today.

The one thing I am grateful for is that I got the chance to experience loving you, even though it was one sided.

I wish you everything you dream for in life.

My love and prayers are always with you, my passing car.