Sometimes I catch myself wondering “What the heck is going on? I mean REALLY going on.”
Because my mind is a maze that has me running through it, trying to find my way out, when I don’t even remember how it began.
I get caught in the playing and replaying scenes from my life, over and over, analyzing what has happened, wondering where the answers lie.
I keep feeling like I am missing something, some hidden clue that will unravel this mystery. Maybe it was something someone said, a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, that reveals the truth.
Maybe it’s because I remember so little of my traumatic childhood which bothers me. My mind has me trying so hard to go back and remember.
But no matter how hard I try, the missing memories don’t come.
I am aware that I have a toxic mind, however it constantly finds new ways to trick me into falling right back into the abyss.
It was recommended to me that when I come to see that this is happening again, I remind myself of my name, my age, where I live, what day it is, what time it is, and where my feet are.
I stand planted, feet apart, in my body, and focusing on my core I imagine roots growing far and wide into the earth.
It forces me to get present where my thinking gets quiet.
Very few who have experienced trauma really recover and live happy, joyous and free.
When I hear that it reminds me that I want to be one of those who do, no matter what.