The Maze

Sometimes I catch myself wondering “What the heck is going on? I mean REALLY going on.”

Because my mind is a maze that has me running through it, trying to find my way out, when I don’t even remember how it began.

I get caught in the playing and replaying scenes from my life, over and over, analyzing what has happened, wondering where the answers lie.

I keep feeling like I am missing something, some hidden clue that will unravel this mystery. Maybe it was something someone said, a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, that reveals the truth.

Maybe it’s because I remember so little of my traumatic childhood which bothers me. My mind has me trying so hard to go back and remember.

But no matter how hard I try, the missing memories don’t come.

I am aware that I have a toxic mind, however it constantly finds new ways to trick me into falling right back into the abyss.

It was recommended to me that when I come to see that this is happening again, I remind myself of my name, my age, where I live, what day it is, what time it is, and where my feet are.

I stand planted, feet apart, in my body, and focusing on my core I imagine roots growing far and wide into the earth.

It forces me to get present where my thinking gets quiet.

Very few who have experienced trauma really recover and live happy, joyous and free.

When I hear that it reminds me that I want to be one of those who do, no matter what.

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Hard To Be Human

It’s hard to be human most of the time. When awakened and all of the awareness and intuition floods in, the thinking mind works even harder to block it, figure it out and keep us from the truth.

A pattern I have been trying to break for a long time is denying the truth I know because my mind doesn’t want it to be true.

Why?

Because my mind is a place full of fear about what is. It then projects a future that either unrealistic fantasy or tragedy. In judgement about what is, my mind labels the present as “good” or “bad”. Obviously when it goes the way I want the judgement computes as “good”.

When it doesn’t, it appears to be “bad”.

It tells me that this is not supposed to happen or I would be better off, happier, if it would just would happen the way I think it should.

Never does it tell me that what’s happening is happening because it’s meant to, that not only are things unfolding in a divine way that is beyond what I will understand but that I need understand nothing.

Again, this incessant need to understand is from my thinking mind. And there are no answers there.

My soul just wants to experience.

So thinking is my only problem, all thinking. Without judgement there are really no “problems”.

The struggle is when to do and when to not do.

What can I change by doing and what matters little in this unfolding of the universe?

Again I am brought back to the only answers I know at this point, unconditional love, courage, living truth, being present and being the light.

Creating Reality

The problem that causes all of my “problems” in this human experience lies not in truth but in my perception of my day.

My reality is based in the story I tell myself. My feelings follow from whatever story I am telling myself.

Most always, nothing changes in my day. Truth does not change. It’s the story I start telling myself from my thoughts that cause me to feel a certain way.

It comes from my judgement of events.

That judgement comes from belief systems not based in truth.

I can start to tell myself a new story.

I can tell myself any story I wish and then my feelings can change around what I see is happening.

I can tell myself wonderful stories, stories of gratitude, and create a wonderful existence.

I have the power to control my feelings.

I can tell myself that every moment in my present life is bringing me to something greater.

It lies in the connection of mind, body and spirit.

Guided by spirit, I can change what my mind thinks, my “feelings” and the reaction of my body to my thinking mind.

Being constantly aware of the story I tell myself takes practice.

If I let God in I have the power to change it all, to change my entire reality.

 

Out of self, more God

The disease of alcoholism is alive and well inside me even when abstaining from mind altering substances.

It took me many relapses to finally see what that meant for myself and to have enough willingness to treat it.

The day can be perfect. I can wake up with a beautiful day before me, read spiritual literature, be grateful to God for my life and my sobriety and hold tremendous hope for the day ahead.

All it takes is a second and a thought and I’m in my alcoholism. I’m consumed with the past, the pain, the “mistakes”, the darkness, the fear, the things that “happened to me”. My ego, self and thinking have taken over and all of a sudden I am overwhelmed with the perception that things are not okay.

Thoughts happen, a lot of thoughts at a rapid rate, and they circulate around and around in my mind.

I’m for a time, convinced that I should be in guilt, shame and unhappiness for the life I’ve lived. Hope disappears and I feel like I can’t participate in the day.

These thoughts override everything, when in reality, nothing has changed.

I doubt myself, my choices, my path and I just want to crawl deep inside myself, alone and sink into thinking my way out of it, or perhaps not anything like that but just staying there.

It’s a miserable place to be. I want to retreat from life.

It never fails that when I am focused on self, how I am possibly going to get what I want and need, I get miserable and fearful very quickly.

So what do I do?

Thank God I have the answers laid out before me. Thank God I am now aware of when this is my alcoholism because when I am coming from a place of my spirit, witnessing this occurring, I can take action to release myself from this needless suffering.

I can bring my body and my spirit and my mind has no choice but to follow.

I can move towards God away from self and selfishness. I can reach out to others with light and love.

Between the fight of ego and spirit, the one that wins is the one I feed.

So all I have to do is choose to feed the light within me.

The light burns brighter and the darkness fades.

The only thing I know that cuts through darkness is to shine a light where it lives.