Nothingness

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When i sit in the space of stillness

Drawing myself back in the moment of now

In the quiet

Voices in my mind pass like clouds on a windy day

My thoughts slow down to a stop

Listening to only the sound of my breath

In nothingness I remember the truth

The warmth of what is and has always been surrounds me

Soft vibrations of my being push outward

Going farther and farther up to the cosmos

I am everywhere

I am everything

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Mirrors Of Truth

The struggle ego drives against allowing truth to be heard can at times be much stronger than others, especially when off center.

Ego doesn’t have to win though.

Ego wants us alone, isolated. It wants us to view ourselves as separate, different. It wants to keep us afraid, especially of closeness to others.

There are people that come into our lives that encourage us to be and do better. They encourage us to continue to grow, even when our mind has us in its grip and fights it. They carry the light for us when we feel like we can’t.

As uncomfortable as it can be because ego always wants to be in charge, when someone speaks truth, our soul hears it.

We recognize truth not from the specific person speaking it but because it is already within us. They just are a mirror of the truth we already know.

But we need those mirrors so we can be reminded when we forget. Those people placed around us who work to raise consciousness are gifts of the universe to hold close.

Ego wants us anywhere but the present because everything we need is there. In the present moment there is nothing to fear. The people we love are in the present. God is in the present.  Yet ego refuses to look in right here and now for completeness because it can’t survive there.

There is nothing in future moments that will make us whole, yet we rush to them chasing that lie.  If we just get this thing, that amount of money, approval from “them”, job security, the right partner, ego says then we will feel complete.  

We get these things and sure enough, wholeness is not found.  

Ego just wants something more.

But we are only ever in the here and now.

Completeness and wholeness is right here, in this moment.

And that is the truth.

Practice Staying Present

I am so blessed to be where I am today. The universe has led me on a beautiful path to purpose and freedom. When I finally awakened, spirit said to me that I have a job to do on this planet. At that beginning point, clouded by a loud thinking mind, it just wasn’t clear yet exactly what that was.

My being knew it was true.

The path hasn’t always been a straight one. I am always learning and growing. My mind left unchecked has taken me off course at times but thankfully by constantly working to come back to center, I get back on track.

I stay as humble as possible and learn from my experiences so I can keep evolving.

Reading The Power Of Now by Ekhart Tolle has been transformative for me. I have found that I literally awaken as I read it. It’s amazing and has helped free me from the bondage of my ego or “thinking”.

Staying present and becoming conscious to the truth, that I am not what comes from my mind, has been setting me free. Understanding that my ego can only survive if I am in the past or the future, I can observe the thoughts and feelings that come up and know that they are not what’s real.

More and more I can distinguish the difference between the voice of ego and the voice of my being. I can find peace and lasting joy by shining a light of consciousness on my ego.

It only takes constant practice of being present.

Ego cannot survive if I stay present.

It’s so simple.

Everything in the here in now is perfect… and exactly how it should be.

Creating Reality

The problem that causes all of my “problems” in this human experience lies not in truth but in my perception of my day.

My reality is based in the story I tell myself. My feelings follow from whatever story I am telling myself.

Most always, nothing changes in my day. Truth does not change. It’s the story I start telling myself from my thoughts that cause me to feel a certain way.

It comes from my judgement of events.

That judgement comes from belief systems not based in truth.

I can start to tell myself a new story.

I can tell myself any story I wish and then my feelings can change around what I see is happening.

I can tell myself wonderful stories, stories of gratitude, and create a wonderful existence.

I have the power to control my feelings.

I can tell myself that every moment in my present life is bringing me to something greater.

It lies in the connection of mind, body and spirit.

Guided by spirit, I can change what my mind thinks, my “feelings” and the reaction of my body to my thinking mind.

Being constantly aware of the story I tell myself takes practice.

If I let God in I have the power to change it all, to change my entire reality.

 

Here Comes Another Thought

The insane thing about alcoholism, is that I could be going along throughout my day feeling really great, spiritually connected, the sun is shining, humming birds by the pool, great music playing and then a thought comes.

I’m cleaning my room and I stop to look at my roommate’s photos on the wall. In the photos I see her with her babies, her daughters now older and looking stunning in her wedding dress with her mother.

Nothing has changed about my day what-so-ever. But the thoughts happen out of the blue, ego takes over and I’m instantly in suffering.

I look at the photos of my two boys in matching black frames and I feel immense sadness and loss. My past consumes me and I’m back there, in all the darkness and judgement of myself as a mother.

I saw a baby maybe just shy of a year old last night in the arms of this man. The baby girl was sitting fairly still but like all little ones sitting in a quiet environment with little stimulation, she started to squirm in this man’s arms to the point where he got up and left the room with her. I thought back of myself in those situations and how much anxiety it created to just deal that. It just seemed so difficult. I just needed something to alter my being so that I could handle moments like that.

Any everyday situation I look back on when dealing with the monotony of “physical” motherhood was just uncomfortable for me.

This morning, my thoughts take me back through time to when I let my boys down, checked out or handed them off to someone else and now, the physical separation. I see my eight year old son’s face looking up at me last time I left him, hugging me tightly around the waist and his eyes brimming with tears.

I know why I’m leaving. I know why I’m here, away from them today. There’s no doubt that I need to be, for me and for them. I’m clear about who I am today and what my main thing has to be.

It’s God, 12 steps and then everything else and that means before my children. I need to do this thing everyday because of the thoughts that come out of the blue and attack my perception of reality. These thoughts of nothing good are dangerous and without a spiritual solution I have no defence against my ego.

There is pain and sadness, of course. But I don’t need to stay there because I have a clear cut solution that brings me back to reality, as long as I choose to let go and reach for it. I know enough now of where suffering leads me and I don’t want to stay there.

So I allow the feelings to pass through me. I feel them until I can move on and let them go. The only way I know to get to the other side is through them.