Turn Over Every Stone My child

You run

From me

From everything I am

Everything you feel

You push

Me away

so far away

Out of reach of your world

You come back

Every so often

To let me know you still exist

I catch

Only glimpses

A window from the outside

You choose

Over and over again

In each moment

To stay away

I live

grow, change, laugh, cry

In a full life

I wait

While you turn over every stone

Searching to find

What is not to be found

Out there

For the day

When you know

What I know

What you gave up

I wonder

Will it be too late

Is it already

And for what

Definite answers

In a world

where definite answers don’t exist

1 Year and 1 Day Sober

Yesterday I turned one year sober. I started to write this on the actual day but couldn’t finish it because my day was so full of love, joy, emotion and amazing experiences.

I can’t even seem to put into words all that I am feeling.

To know the change that has occurred in me, to be able to see the woman I have become, to feel my heart full of gratitude for the life I know I have today because of God’s grace and the willingness to allow God to work through me, is something indescribable.

It’s never been about just not using drugs and drinking for me this time.

It’s not been about counting the days behind me that I have collected abstinent from substances that alter me.

It’s been about seeking a relationship with and connecting to this all knowing, all loving creator of everything and everyone.

It’s been about spiritual growth.

It’s been about my soul’s evolution and experiencing a freedom like I’ve never known.

The gift of willingness I have been granted, that you can’t buy or sell, has been graced upon me for what reason I do not know, but I hope to always keep, and has transformed me into the person that God intended me to be.

Today that’s more than enough for me.

From A Distance

I often think of you.

I saw you today from a distance.

I wonder how you are and what your life is full of now.

I wonder if you’ve found peace.

I wonder if your happy.

I hope that you are.

I hope you’ve found what you have been searching for.

Physical separation and the illusion of time can never erase what is real.

Whatever happens in this dream world we call the human experience, love for others never disappears.

The feeling of love is the closest we can get to God.

That is all that is real.

I will always love you.

Love never fades, it lasts eternally.

Mirrors Of Truth

The struggle ego drives against allowing truth to be heard can at times be much stronger than others, especially when off center.

Ego doesn’t have to win though.

Ego wants us alone, isolated. It wants us to view ourselves as separate, different. It wants to keep us afraid, especially of closeness to others.

There are people that come into our lives that encourage us to be and do better. They encourage us to continue to grow, even when our mind has us in its grip and fights it. They carry the light for us when we feel like we can’t.

As uncomfortable as it can be because ego always wants to be in charge, when someone speaks truth, our soul hears it.

We recognize truth not from the specific person speaking it but because it is already within us. They just are a mirror of the truth we already know.

But we need those mirrors so we can be reminded when we forget. Those people placed around us who work to raise consciousness are gifts of the universe to hold close.

Ego wants us anywhere but the present because everything we need is there. In the present moment there is nothing to fear. The people we love are in the present. God is in the present.  Yet ego refuses to look in right here and now for completeness because it can’t survive there.

There is nothing in future moments that will make us whole, yet we rush to them chasing that lie.  If we just get this thing, that amount of money, approval from “them”, job security, the right partner, ego says then we will feel complete.  

We get these things and sure enough, wholeness is not found.  

Ego just wants something more.

But we are only ever in the here and now.

Completeness and wholeness is right here, in this moment.

And that is the truth.