There Are No Victims

The second biggest lie you keep telling yourself is that you are a victim.

No one did anything to you.

You have masterfully created everything in your life.

You created all the pain.

You created the loss.

It’s all because of the first lie you tell yourself.

The lie that has caused your whole story and created all the characters in it.

The lie that has removed all the good that has ever entered your world.

That lie is that you are are not deserving of unconditional love.

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The Answer Is Inside

I found the love I had been seeking in the eyes of others, my entire life, and that love has been found inside of me.

My journey to become whole, totally on my own has led me here, standing over the pool, looking at my own reflection ripple over the illuminated water, in this warm summer’s evening air.

Here in this space, is a place where I am completely enough on my own.

A year ago I was still needing to be seen by someone else.

A year ago I was needing a particular someone to make life seem complete. I thought if I had that, then I could be truly happy. I thought having them was the missing piece of the puzzle. I was wanting so badly to be loved but I was still lost and seeking outside of myself something that would never be the answer.

Because the answer was not outside of myself, it was inside of me.

Today I am not looking to be seen by someone else to know my worth, only my eyes matter in examining this water’s reflection.

No longer to do I need the approval or acceptance of another to feel loved or loveable.

When I wake up in the morning, I know I am going out into the day to be the person I want to be.

And when I lay my head down at night, I know I have lived and loved the best I can.

I know I’ve served the best I know how.

And on this ball of dirt and water flying through space around and about the other stars, planets and sun, the rest does not matter.

The only thing that matters is life right here and now.

The only thing that matters is love.

If I Could Tell You I’d Say This…

I’m human and sometimes I do things that I’m not proud of. To expect, that even though I am seeking enlightenment, that I will ever not doing stupid things, is an unrealistic expectation.

I guess somewhere in me I still hold on to the belief that it is okay to intentionally hurt someone if I feel that someone intentionally hurt me. If I look back on my experience though, never has harming another solved any problems. It in fact just adds to the problem and makes things worse.

Even though I know deep down inside that the answer to all problems is more love, I don’t always make it to that perfect ideal. I have made decisions, based on self, that have deeply harmed others. I cannot go back and undo what I’ve done but I can learn from those experiences and strive towards something better.

I can choose to not cause anymore harm to those around me.

I can ask those I’ve harmed if there is anything I can do to make it right.

There are those who I have held emotionally hostage with resentments about things that have happened in the recent past. I have blamed others for my own incompleteness, insecurities and unhappiness. Pointing the finger at others I have said, “You did this to me”, playing the victim.

As a result of that belief, I chose to harm someone I have loved and respected, by using what I know about their weaknesses specifically to hit them where I knew it would hurt.

I knew it would be an effective way to get to this person.

And it worked.

I not only harmed them, I harmed myself.

Because I’ve had to live with it.

The reality is that nothing was done to me. Things unfolded the way they were supposed to in God’s order, and yes, I just happened to be in the story.

But I have let go of any blame. I have made peace with the story, understanding that it has all happened exactly the way it should’ve and I trust in that.

I am no longer angry or resentful, no longer do I believe their was fault to be found, no longer am I using these experiences as the cause of my my own issues.

I am happy and complete today. My life is good. Actually it is really good. I wish I could let this person know all this.

I wish I could tell them that I forgive them for everything.

This person is not speaking to me and it’s understandable.

But if I could talk to them, I would tell them that I wish for them to be happy, fulfilled and free in whatever way that looks for them. I wish for them everything I wish for myself.

I would say that they don’t need to worry about me at all, because I am great, better than great.

I would say go and be happy and know that there is always at least one person out there that loves them unconditionally, no matter what, with or without me, speaking or not speaking, forever apart or together, silently cheering them on in everything they do.

And that person is me.

It’s In The Giving

The illusion I had been chasing is that love from others will make me feel complete.

If only I could get you to love me I would feel like I am enough, safe, secure and happy.

Truth is that the amount of completeness and joy I experience is in direct proportion to my ability to give love to others.

Ego says be careful who you love.

Spirit says everyone is loveable.

Ego says love must be earned or deserved.

Spirit says I need nothing from you to love you.

Ego says withhold love in protection.

Spirit says love more and you will never feel harmed.

This is the kind of unconditional love doesn’t need anything in return.

It is pure.

It is lasting.

It is an unshakeable foundation for living.

Unlearn Everything

“We don’t need to learn anything new. We just need to unlearn everything we think we know.”

I never realized that I was going to try to just settle for an average life. Old beliefs, the ones I never even questioned or stopped to think about where they came from, kept me from believing I could go anywhere and do anything I could dream up.

My deepest dreams seemed somehow unreachable. So one by one as I grew up from being a child, I let them all go. I was told that I needed a college education to be anything, that I would have to work hard for my money (and not necessarily enjoy it), that if I didn’t get married and have children something was off with me. I believed I should find “the one” and it should last forever.

I believed that to have a powerful impact on my children, I had to be physically present with them everyday. These are just some of the beliefs that determined how I lived life. No one ever told me to just be who I felt I was meant to be. That I could just be free to be me and what everyone else is doing may not equal happiness.

My experience so far has been that anything is possible and love wins over everything else. Being loving without conditions on that love not only grants me freedom but it creates a path for the impossible to occur.

My job is not hard. It doesn’t feel like work. I get to be me. I get to be of service to amazing girls. I get the daughters I never had. I get to be around those that are walking the same path towards enlightenment that I travel.

The bond I have with my children through the love I have given and continue to give is beyond anything. I don’t have to live with them or do the things most moms do to be their hero. It’s the love that they recognize and eat up.  

It’s why my 15 year old sings me songs in the car that people have made about their moms. It’s why he tells me more than most teenage boys tell their parents. It’s why his smile and eyes shine when we are together. It’s why he feels safe with me. It’s why he proudly talks to his friends about who his mom is. It’s the reason he asks me to stay longer because it’s important to him for me to meet his girlfriend.

My love, he says, is the reason he feels encouraged to follow his truth and succeed.

Success means something totally different to me today. It doesn’t consist of a pay check, money, the car, the house, the intimate partner, the admiration of others or anything like that.

Today it means that my life is full of love and close relationships, self respect, self love, inner peace and fulfillment. It’s only been seven and a half months on this new part of my human journey and I’ve gained so much of what I always wanted but was looking in all the wrong places for.

Gratitude fills my heart and if I really take a good look at truth, I’m already exactly where I need to be.

Nine Years Ago

Nine years ago
The day you were born
I first saw your little face
And I knew the heavens were smiling down on us

Your little fingers and toes
I counted every single one
The fuzzy hair on top of your head
My hand smoothed with a gentle touch

Crying subdued as you heard the sound of my voice you already knew
And felt the warmth of my skin
I held you close
As I whispered silent promises of lifelong dedication
To help you live your dreams

Little button nose
Soft round cheeks
Tiny lids and lashes
Your eyes finally opened

As I gazed into those baby blues
I felt the light of unconditional love that touched me at my core
In an instant I understood it all
That we were two halves of a whole

Every day I’ve seen you grow into who you are meant to be
My heart fills more and more with joy
To know you is a sacred and precious gift
To be your mother is an honor and my love for you will go on long after forever

 

 

 

 

 

 

Witnessing Miracles

My sober friend, a walking miracle, who travels this road towards truth beside me.

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The soul’s evolution

Coming to believe in a God that is pure love, light and goodness was the turning point in the evolution of my soul.

I didn’t have to work, manage or figure it out.

I just surrendered totally and completely and it happened.

Why did it happen now and not any sooner?

I don’t know.

My soul was just ready.

If I can see that about myself then I can let go of the judgement of other people’s journey and just love them unconditionally.

Everyone around me teaches me something if I am present and open.

If I can see that even out of complete dark, angry and fearful times when I could not see, that the most beautiful horizon revealed itself and tremendous growth occurred for me, then I can allow others to have their own suffering without attaching to that suffering.

I can have hope for them too.

I can stop trying to manage and control the world around me and just be.

I keep my eyes on myself and my own spiritual path.

There is a divine plan and all I can do is carry the torch, carry the light and carry the love.

From surrender and faith comes the ultimate freedom.