Nothing Left To Loose

Much has changed
Some things haven’t

Thoughts of you are like being in a house of mirrors
Which ever I way I turn
I face reality without you
It comes and goes like waves

For a long time I don’t think of you…
Until I do

Waking up
sometimes
I wonder where you are
Are you thinking of me?
Do I think of you because somewhere, out there, I can tell I am on your mind?
You rejected me
Not once
Not twice
Too many times to count
The blades of each time scarred me
And my chest carries the weight of life without you
So heavy
Merciless

Like an unwanted visitor
You invade my peace at night
when the moon shines on my dreams
Some days
On the street
you are in every face
I deleted all photos of you
But I forget and search my phone anyway
Why did I do that?
I then remember
Photos with your face next to mine
The smell of your skin
Reminds me that it all is no longer there
That it never was there, or anywhere
Like a moving image
That dissipated and dissolved into nothingness

But it all still lives there my heart
And your not here to feel it

Your truth is yours to keep
And I have no judgement
There is no anger, no resentment
You’ve done nothing wrong
If I weren’t in the story
I would champion your search
I would tell you to never to give up
I would admire your determination

After all, I have it that determination too
We are alike in that way

And my truth is…
I stay away
Because
I never again wish to be second best to anyone
To never feel the burn of rejection
To be the one, the only one

To stare into the gaze of the one I am with and see nothing behind their eyes but a knowing that I am the one they want

I won’t waiver on that
So there is no bridge to cross
No ground to meet in the middle
It’s the same old stalemate

No doubt
Just love