I have many shortcomings. One of which is being deep, about everything, all the time. It’s so hard for me to be light. To not spiral up or down about everything. I know that about myself. I scare people away with it sometimes, a lot of the time actually. It’s like with me it’s black or white. Like I can’t just let things be what they are and not think days, months or years ahead. Or I can’t not dissect every little thing and make permanent decisions based on temporary thoughts or feelings. Even after all this time of working on becoming self aware, there is still so much to learn! Someone asked me today why I completely turn my back and walk away from people I care about. She said life is short. We are only here for a minute so why would I do that? She said it seems that I can’t deal directly with people to work things out, that I avoid. It’s so true. I ask God today to relieve me of this defect and free me from my never ending stream of thoughts, opinions and fears, so that I may have a different experience on the planet.
In this period of completing a year sober, I look back on all the people who had at one point been on this journey with me but did not make it.
They have just fallen away from my life, usually back into drugs and alcohol.
I often wonder why me?
I constantly ask God what is it that I’m meant to do on this planet.
I must have a purpose.
Sometimes I feel solid in knowing what that is.
Sometimes I feel lost and I don’t know what God wants from me.
That’s when I’m pushed into seeking more.
At all times when I’m brought to my knees by confusion, lack of answers, loss of direction, sadness and pain, as long as I stay close to my creator, there is the other side awaiting me.
On the other side is more self knowledge, more consciousness and always there is more love.
Whatever the reasons I am still here are, above all else, I honor this gift of life and sobriety today.