I have many shortcomings. One of which is being deep, about everything, all the time. It’s so hard for me to be light. To not spiral up or down about everything. I know that about myself. I scare people away with it sometimes, a lot of the time actually. It’s like with me it’s black or white. Like I can’t just let things be what they are and not think days, months or years ahead. Or I can’t not dissect every little thing and make permanent decisions based on temporary thoughts or feelings. Even after all this time of working on becoming self aware, there is still so much to learn! Someone asked me today why I completely turn my back and walk away from people I care about. She said life is short. We are only here for a minute so why would I do that? She said it seems that I can’t deal directly with people to work things out, that I avoid. It’s so true. I ask God today to relieve me of this defect and free me from my never ending stream of thoughts, opinions and fears, so that I may have a different experience on the planet.
Weaving past one another
Intersecting for moments
Never being direct
Never facing reality
Sneaking into subconscious
Life a thief in the night
Go away come back
Why waste another day
When I love you
And I believe you love me too
Maybe God has been listening all along.
Maybe God already has placed the perfect person in my life, right in front of me, yet I just refused to see it.
Maybe I’ve already met my soul mate but I was afraid of getting everything I’ve been saying I want all along?
I say I want a partner, a lover, loyalty, love without conditions, someone who makes me better, someone who won’t leave me, yet when that person comes along I turn them away?
Maybe I really don’t want these things.
Maybe I chase those who end up leaving me because I get uncomfortable with someone who really loves me exactly the way I am?
Someone who sees into my soul and knows the very parts that make me who I am?
Someone who sees the good in me, and accepts the “not so good”.
Maybe the intimacy that kind of person brings is the one holding a mirror to myself, showing me that I’d rather chase someone who is unavailable.
How do I know that something I thought was wrong, is actually right?
How do I know that something I thought was harmful was actually the perfect thing for me?
How does one know that?
Who makes those decisions? My friends? Therapist? Sponsor? My head? My alcoholism?
Where is God in all this?
What and who do I listen to?
What would my soul have me do? What would love do? What would self love do?
Sometimes it’s hard to know which is the voice of fear and which is the voice of love.
Awakening is listening to the God within.
In this period of completing a year sober, I look back on all the people who had at one point been on this journey with me but did not make it.
They have just fallen away from my life, usually back into drugs and alcohol.
I often wonder why me?
I constantly ask God what is it that I’m meant to do on this planet.
I must have a purpose.
Sometimes I feel solid in knowing what that is.
Sometimes I feel lost and I don’t know what God wants from me.
That’s when I’m pushed into seeking more.
At all times when I’m brought to my knees by confusion, lack of answers, loss of direction, sadness and pain, as long as I stay close to my creator, there is the other side awaiting me.
On the other side is more self knowledge, more consciousness and always there is more love.
Whatever the reasons I am still here are, above all else, I honor this gift of life and sobriety today.