Something Different

I made a decision, after about as much suffering as I could stand, to do things differently to have a new experience on this planet.

The benefit to becoming more and more conscious as a result of continually looking at myself and doing the inside work, is that I can recognize when I’m repeating old behavior, and then I can change.

As a result of changing, I get a new experience and I get closer and closer to feeling one with God and others.

If I want the same results then I can keep doing the same thing.

But if I want something different, I must change the way I view the world and change my actions.

It’s not easy but the rewards are tremendous.

Find some courage and do something different today.

What I Want

I want you wrapped around my finger, so I can hold my hand close to my heart and know you’ll be there.

I want you’re steps to follow mine on this path, and you can let me lead so if I get scared you will right behind be and maybe hold me close and tell me it will be okay.

I want you to call, if just to tell me you’ve not forgotten me, and that in your thoughts I stay, like the lingering scent of my perfume long after I am gone.

I want you to remind me, just every now and then, of all the reasons why you chose me, and continue to choose me, just in case I forget.

You asked me what I want.

I want you to let me in, all the way in, past your walls, your insecurities, your self protection, so that I can find a place to stay.

I only want all of you, all your spirit had to offer, all your fears and doubts, all your hopes and dreams, all the space in your heart that is open for me.

And maybe I’ll have more to add to this list tomorrow, but for now, all of this will do.

My Hand In His

Why is it that you meet certain people and immediately you feel connected, comfortable, close and it’s just…

Easy?

Like things just fall into place, there’s no struggle, no need to try, it’s just right.

Can it be called chemistry, destiny, magic, meant to be?

The gravitational pull of two people to each other, a perfect meeting of souls, a spark fanning flames of desire, an unexplainable need to know someone, encompasses you.

When you just fit together perfectly, effortlessly, beautifully, sinking in to one another, melting at each touch, you thank God for being blessed with the experience.

It’s like when I look in his eyes and can hide nothing, because everything I’m feeling is told in my eyes, and I see everything in his.

Whatever you call it, however we try to quantify it, it exists.

It’s just as real as the water in the pool I’m dipping my feet in right now.

It’s as real as my cold hand in his as we walk a dark trail to find the lights.

When I look at him my heart beat ripples like soft waves echoing outward from the pull of the moon.

Do I care so much why this is happening, or what it is that’s happening?

Or do I just allow it to be?

I think I’ll just allow it to be the beauty that it is.

And stay right here for now.

It’s In The Actions

What I’m left with, at the end of the day, is the relationship I have with myself and God.

I now know what it means to live this human existence by spiritual principles.

I’ve been around enough now to be able to talk about it, explain it, theorize about it and intellectually know how it works.

But when it comes down to living it, right here and right now, do I actually do these things?

Do I live with integrity and honesty?

Do I lie to myself or am I honest with myself?

Do I constantly judge myself, beating myself up for meeting the unrealistic expectations I hold myself to?

Can I forgive myself for being human today?

When someone I’m faced with affects me in a way that I don’t like, do I treat them with tolerance and patience?

Do I relax into the fact that no one can hurt me or take anything from me without my allowing it, therefore allowing people to just be who they are with the security of knowing that I’m okay no matter what?

When things don’t go my way, do I get angry and frustrated, trying to manipulate and control people?

Do I accept those in my life for who they are and can I look for the good in everyone?

Is my love conditional?

Have I said what I need to say today, would my soul be at peace if I had no tomorrow?

Do I live in fear of not getting what I want and is what I think I need to be okay lie in the material world?

Or do I live in a world where things of importance or the things you can’t see, like inner peace, joy, love without conditions and freedom?

Do I focus on what I can give rather than what I can take?

These are some of the questions I ask myself daily to remind myself that I cannot intellectualize my way into freedom.

Freedom lies in the actions I take in the present moment.

Freedom lies in right now.

First Kiss

A first kiss with magic dust sprinkled on top.

Or was it the first?

Maybe in this existence, this time and space, this human experience, this was the first, but in many other lifetimes it had already happened.

Maybe when our souls met somewhere before now but we just don’t remember.

It tingled like the first, but had something familiar about it, like a connection, a comfort and safety known before.

Brought together in a twist of life’s intricate web woven, crossing paths at exactly this moment in time.

To have this first kiss yet again, to experience it yet again, to keep in time until the next first, is to live in each moment anew.

Exactly like first kisses are intended to be.

Right Where I’m Supposed To Be

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I used to be so selfish.

If anyone else had good things happen to them I would immediately compare myself to them and be jealous and resentful.

Never grateful for what I had, it was never enough. I always wanted more.

Even with people I thought I loved, I felt this competitive nature about it.

Like everyone else was always to going to get ahead and I wasn’t.

Get ahead where?

I don’t even know now.

I wanted people to be happy, but not happier than me.

I wanted good things for others, but not more than me.

Now I feel tremendous joy when I see others grow and succeed.

I have put myself aside and I strive to help others get what they want out of life.

Where does this change come from?

It comes from the knowledge that when others succeed, I succeed.

When others awaken, I awaken.

We are all connected.

It comes from a deep belief that God wants the best for me and that my purpose on this planet is to help turn the lights on in other people.

God has granted me with a gift of being able to heal others hearts.

God will ensure that I am where I am meant to be as long I take the path suggested and I use my gift to do God’s will.

And I have a solid knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be.

New Beginnings

With every ending is a new beginning, more beautiful, more deep and more lovely than before.

With every moment of deciding what I haven’t wanted, I’ve been able to discover what I do want.

Every time I have walked away from not good enough, I find that the universe provides me with something better.

It’s been there all along, the best my creator can offer, I just have missed it.

Too focused on the past to see what’s right in front of me, what’s here and now is so much more than before.

It’s the gentle wave of a new beginning.

Beauty and hope all wrapped up together in something truthful.

I hear you universe, whispering in my ear, “Push on forward, my gifts are just beginning.”

If I Could Tell You I’d Say This…

I’m human and sometimes I do things that I’m not proud of. To expect, that even though I am seeking enlightenment, that I will ever not doing stupid things, is an unrealistic expectation.

I guess somewhere in me I still hold on to the belief that it is okay to intentionally hurt someone if I feel that someone intentionally hurt me. If I look back on my experience though, never has harming another solved any problems. It in fact just adds to the problem and makes things worse.

Even though I know deep down inside that the answer to all problems is more love, I don’t always make it to that perfect ideal. I have made decisions, based on self, that have deeply harmed others. I cannot go back and undo what I’ve done but I can learn from those experiences and strive towards something better.

I can choose to not cause anymore harm to those around me.

I can ask those I’ve harmed if there is anything I can do to make it right.

There are those who I have held emotionally hostage with resentments about things that have happened in the recent past. I have blamed others for my own incompleteness, insecurities and unhappiness. Pointing the finger at others I have said, “You did this to me”, playing the victim.

As a result of that belief, I chose to harm someone I have loved and respected, by using what I know about their weaknesses specifically to hit them where I knew it would hurt.

I knew it would be an effective way to get to this person.

And it worked.

I not only harmed them, I harmed myself.

Because I’ve had to live with it.

The reality is that nothing was done to me. Things unfolded the way they were supposed to in God’s order, and yes, I just happened to be in the story.

But I have let go of any blame. I have made peace with the story, understanding that it has all happened exactly the way it should’ve and I trust in that.

I am no longer angry or resentful, no longer do I believe their was fault to be found, no longer am I using these experiences as the cause of my my own issues.

I am happy and complete today. My life is good. Actually it is really good. I wish I could let this person know all this.

I wish I could tell them that I forgive them for everything.

This person is not speaking to me and it’s understandable.

But if I could talk to them, I would tell them that I wish for them to be happy, fulfilled and free in whatever way that looks for them. I wish for them everything I wish for myself.

I would say that they don’t need to worry about me at all, because I am great, better than great.

I would say go and be happy and know that there is always at least one person out there that loves them unconditionally, no matter what, with or without me, speaking or not speaking, forever apart or together, silently cheering them on in everything they do.

And that person is me.