I have many shortcomings. One of which is being deep, about everything, all the time. It’s so hard for me to be light. To not spiral up or down about everything. I know that about myself. I scare people away with it sometimes, a lot of the time actually. It’s like with me it’s black or white. Like I can’t just let things be what they are and not think days, months or years ahead. Or I can’t not dissect every little thing and make permanent decisions based on temporary thoughts or feelings. Even after all this time of working on becoming self aware, there is still so much to learn! Someone asked me today why I completely turn my back and walk away from people I care about. She said life is short. We are only here for a minute so why would I do that? She said it seems that I can’t deal directly with people to work things out, that I avoid. It’s so true. I ask God today to relieve me of this defect and free me from my never ending stream of thoughts, opinions and fears, so that I may have a different experience on the planet.
Much has changed
Some things haven’t
Thoughts of you are like being in a house of mirrors
Which ever I way I turn
I face reality without you
It comes and goes like waves
For a long time I don’t think of you…
Until I do
I wonder where you are
Are you thinking of me?
Do I think of you because somewhere, out there, I can tell I am on your mind?
You rejected me
Too many times to count
The blades of each time scarred me
And my chest carries the weight of life without you
Like an unwanted visitor
You invade my peace at night
when the moon shines on my dreams
On the street
you are in every face
I deleted all photos of you
But I forget and search my phone anyway
Why did I do that?
I then remember
Photos with your face next to mine
The smell of your skin
Reminds me that it all is no longer there
That it never was there, or anywhere
Like a moving image
That dissipated and dissolved into nothingness
But it all still lives there my heart
And your not here to feel it
Your truth is yours to keep
And I have no judgement
There is no anger, no resentment
You’ve done nothing wrong
If I weren’t in the story
I would champion your search
I would tell you to never to give up
I would admire your determination
After all, I have it that determination too
We are alike in that way
And my truth is…
I stay away
I never again wish to be second best to anyone
To never feel the burn of rejection
To be the one, the only one
To stare into the gaze of the one I am with and see nothing behind their eyes but a knowing that I am the one they want
I won’t waiver on that
So there is no bridge to cross
No ground to meet in the middle
It’s the same old stalemate
Weaving past one another
Intersecting for moments
Never being direct
Never facing reality
Sneaking into subconscious
Life a thief in the night
Go away come back
Why waste another day
When I love you
And I believe you love me too
“IF you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it.”
“This is what I know for sure, you don’t get what you wish for, you don’t even get what you hope for. You get what you believe.” –Oprah
Maybe God has been listening all along.
Maybe God already has placed the perfect person in my life, right in front of me, yet I just refused to see it.
Maybe I’ve already met my soul mate but I was afraid of getting everything I’ve been saying I want all along?
I say I want a partner, a lover, loyalty, love without conditions, someone who makes me better, someone who won’t leave me, yet when that person comes along I turn them away?
Maybe I really don’t want these things.
Maybe I chase those who end up leaving me because I get uncomfortable with someone who really loves me exactly the way I am?
Someone who sees into my soul and knows the very parts that make me who I am?
Someone who sees the good in me, and accepts the “not so good”.
Maybe the intimacy that kind of person brings is the one holding a mirror to myself, showing me that I’d rather chase someone who is unavailable.
How do I know that something I thought was wrong, is actually right?
How do I know that something I thought was harmful was actually the perfect thing for me?
How does one know that?
Who makes those decisions? My friends? Therapist? Sponsor? My head? My alcoholism?
Where is God in all this?
What and who do I listen to?
What would my soul have me do? What would love do? What would self love do?
Sometimes it’s hard to know which is the voice of fear and which is the voice of love.
Awakening is listening to the God within.
I left behind my blond locks, cigarettes, and any relationship with another, all in the hopes you would return home, to where I am.
Silly, really, since you are long, long gone.
In my dreams we laugh and live a life of freedom together.
All the things we never said, we say, and we mean it.
We do things differently.
I am different and then so are you.
We get a do over, to make right the wrongs.
I’m not afraid, and neither are you.
You finally see me, I mean, really see me.
In my dreams it’s great, and we are great together.
Really, really great.
Then I wake up, and you are not here.
Things are how they are, so I move on.