Words From A Writer

I’m a writer.
Why?
Because I say I am.
Because I believe I am.
Because I write.
Because I have something to say and the best way I know how to say it is to write it.
Not that I’m not good with being verbal, because I am.
But I’m better when I write it down.
I don’t need to be paid for it.
I do it for free.
I do it because I have a passion for it.
Because I love it.
Because I know I’m supposed to.
I write about what I know.
And what do I know better than my own experience?
What could I possibly know better than the story of my life?
What do I know better than what happens all around me?
I write about what needs to be said.
I write the truth.
Harsh at times, loving at times, confusing at times, but always the truth.
Love it, hate it, accept it or deny it.
Just know this, words hold a lot of power, written or spoken, texted or tweeted.
And these words are written just for you.
I see you.
I see your soul.
I see past the mask and the character, the shortcomings and all of your humanness.
I see myself in you, and you in me.
We are the same you and I, just decorated a bit differently on the outside.
I know you.
Maybe better than YOU know you.
And you’re very much okay.
It’s all going to be okay.
I promise.
What a better way to remind you, just in case you forget, than etching these written words in this very place, to be part of history, so when you forget you can re-read them.
You can come back to find these very words.
Right here.
Written.
By a writer.

Bad Luck???

I don’t believe there is such a thing as “bad luck”. There was a time when I would use those words to describe the things that happened to me that I didn’t like, or that I labeled as “bad”.

Now I see that everything that goes on in my life is a product of something on my part.

It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

I had read this line what felt like a thousand times until one day it clicked in a way it never had before.

I finally realized that though I had no control over other people’s actions, and may not have directly caused an action on someone else’s part, that if I went back far enough I could see a decision based on self that placed me in the position to be hurt. Even if that decision was as simple as seeing the signs but not walking away from harms way.

I saw that the chaos that happened in my outer life was a reflection of what was going on inside, that energetically I drew these events to me. If I had an argument, I had a part, because one person can’t argue. If I was treated poorly by someone in my life more than once, just maybe I allowed it.

Once I made a decision to not tolerate abuse, it just fell away from my life. Once I had hit a bottom with drama, it ended. Once I stopped believing in limitations, they vanished. Once I had enough of the kind of relationships that caused me pain and decided I was done settling with them, they didn’t happen any more.

They just may have been my creation, because deep down I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, so I couldn’t allow people who just wanted to love me, into my heart.

The bad news, if all this is true, is that I have no right to complain about “bad luck” because I am the cause.

The good news is that I don’t have to wait on the luck of the world to swing my way to finally be happy and free, I get to chose.

It’s up to me.

And that’s some really good news.

Friendship

The truth is that what I miss the most, is the friendship we had.

Like when something great or something terrible happened, you were the first one I wanted to call.

I wanted to share the things I learned with you, because I knew you would always understand exactly what I was saying, like we spoke the same language.

I wanted to teach you the things I was taught.

Most of the time when I couldn’t put the things I wanted to say into words, I didn’t need to, because you always got it, just by the look in my eyes or the unspoken feeling expressed all over my face.

You would look at me and I knew it made sense to you.

I knew you would recognize the significance in the things we shared, that you shared the same passion for truth as I did.

The friendship I valued got overshadowed by worldly desires, complications, distractions and people that wanted to pull us apart.

Fear, selfishness, ambitions, pride and all things of ego destroyed the beauty that was not of this world, until there was nothing left but shreds of something unrecognizable.

And the rest of the story, as the story always goes on, is unwritten.

But my hope is that what is unwritten, is something not of darkness anymore, but that it is of the light.

Because there is always room for hope.

Always.

Reminders

I am constantly reminded by the gentle whispers of truth, heard in the soft breeze brushing by my ears in the midst of presence.

It’s says to me, “Remember child, it’s not about snatching all the love you can out of life, but fulfilment is found in the giving.”

When I forget, as I do regularly, that what I need to make my soul complete is not about seeking anything, it’s about giving all that I have to give, these whispers are there to remind me.

And when I follow the guidance that is provided for me, from a place found deep within, it is like a veil has been lifted and I start to see clearly again.

The direction of my steps change slightly and I find myself back on the path to inner peace.

Only then, I start to feel whole again.

Only then, I am home.

Choices

When did I unconsciously decide to start holding back again in an effort to protect my self?

It’s something I did my whole life but when I had my first profound awakening, I finally saw that the problem with having the walls up to keep out the bad, was that it came with a high cost.

It was also keeping out everything good.

I had let finally down all the walls and I allowed absolutely everything in.

As scary as it was, it was the time in my life I felt the most free, it was when I felt the most of everything.

It was like taking a leap off a cliff.

There was so much living in those moments, so many lows but yet so many highs too.

But yet again, as life happened, as it always does, ever so subtly, I starting holding back and closing off again.

I wanted to protect myself.

I chose safety over risks.

But in protecting myself, I had stopped living to the fullest like I had been.

I stopped taking those risks.

Life starting loosing the vibrance in it’s color.

I stopped living completely free in the now and tried to find a balance between acting in the moment, and being discernibly cautious.

Is there a right and a wrong way in all this?

Or are there just choices, with costs and prices to pay for each side?

Watching Water

There is a lot to be learned by being present and observing one’s environment.

The smallest, most mundane thing can have the most amazing meaning and connection to all things.

As I sat by the pool in the hot sun, with the water completely still, I dipped just one toe in the water.

I watched as the ripples spread out in circles across the pool. When finally, it reached one of the chlorine dispensers floating in the pool, circular ripples bounced off and outward, eventually crossing over the ripples from my toe. When the ripples finally reached the edge of the pool, it bounced back, creating a giant pattern of ripples.

I took a step back and looked at the pool, once still, that now was dancing with a multitude of waves and ripples, vibrating all throughout.

It dawned on me that this is what we do, everyday with our words and actions. A small thing like a smile, vibrates outward to everything it touches. And then that object or person reacts back outward into the universe, touching more and more people, reaching farther and farther distances.

Can a tiny act of kindness reach across the entire globe and cause great things to happen?

Can magnificent, beautiful and perfect change happen from one simple loving thing?

I believe so.

All you have to do is just watch water.

The Answer Is Inside

I found the love I had been seeking in the eyes of others, my entire life, and that love has been found inside of me.

My journey to become whole, totally on my own has led me here, standing over the pool, looking at my own reflection ripple over the illuminated water, in this warm summer’s evening air.

Here in this space, is a place where I am completely enough on my own.

A year ago I was still needing to be seen by someone else.

A year ago I was needing a particular someone to make life seem complete. I thought if I had that, then I could be truly happy. I thought having them was the missing piece of the puzzle. I was wanting so badly to be loved but I was still lost and seeking outside of myself something that would never be the answer.

Because the answer was not outside of myself, it was inside of me.

Today I am not looking to be seen by someone else to know my worth, only my eyes matter in examining this water’s reflection.

No longer to do I need the approval or acceptance of another to feel loved or loveable.

When I wake up in the morning, I know I am going out into the day to be the person I want to be.

And when I lay my head down at night, I know I have lived and loved the best I can.

I know I’ve served the best I know how.

And on this ball of dirt and water flying through space around and about the other stars, planets and sun, the rest does not matter.

The only thing that matters is life right here and now.

The only thing that matters is love.