I still remember the day I met her, just like it was yesterday.
We were in a crowd of people, a large group and at first I didn’t notice her. But then I heard the sound of her voice as she started speaking. She was in so much pain when she spoke. It was like I could feel every inch of her suffering through the sound of her words. Her voice sounded familiar to me, like home, though I had never heard it before.
At least not in this life.
I looked up from my hands that I had been staring down at for some time to see who this sound was coming from.
I made it a point to meet her.
I introduced myself to her after the meeting was over and held out my hand. When I looked into her eyes at close range I knew.
I knew this girl would impact my life in some major way but it wasn’t clear at that point just how or why. I loved her from that first sound, from her first syllable, from that first encounter, from the first time I looked into her eyes.
I knew that she had a lot of pain, a lot of history, a lot of things she needed to survive but I was willing to put my heart out there anyway. From the first time I saw her, I must have made a quiet, unconscious promise that I would love her through it all.
It didn’t matter to me that she was hurt over the loss of another.
It didn’t matter that I knew she wasn’t ready to give herself to anyone else.
I just wanted to love her.
And through it all, even though she left me, even as she is with another, sharing her life now with another, I guess I’ve kept that promise.
I still love her and always will.
You can know the truth and nothing changes. Change doesn’t occur until you change your actions, and live the truth.
I’m human and sometimes I do things that I’m not proud of. To expect, that even though I am seeking enlightenment, that I will ever not doing stupid things, is an unrealistic expectation.
I guess somewhere in me I still hold on to the belief that it is okay to intentionally hurt someone if I feel that someone intentionally hurt me. If I look back on my experience though, never has harming another solved any problems. It in fact just adds to the problem and makes things worse.
Even though I know deep down inside that the answer to all problems is more love, I don’t always make it to that perfect ideal. I have made decisions, based on self, that have deeply harmed others. I cannot go back and undo what I’ve done but I can learn from those experiences and strive towards something better.
I can choose to not cause anymore harm to those around me.
I can ask those I’ve harmed if there is anything I can do to make it right.
There are those who I have held emotionally hostage with resentments about things that have happened in the recent past. I have blamed others for my own incompleteness, insecurities and unhappiness. Pointing the finger at others I have said, “You did this to me”, playing the victim.
As a result of that belief, I chose to harm someone I have loved and respected, by using what I know about their weaknesses specifically to hit them where I knew it would hurt.
I knew it would be an effective way to get to this person.
And it worked.
I not only harmed them, I harmed myself.
Because I’ve had to live with it.
The reality is that nothing was done to me. Things unfolded the way they were supposed to in God’s order, and yes, I just happened to be in the story.
But I have let go of any blame. I have made peace with the story, understanding that it has all happened exactly the way it should’ve and I trust in that.
I am no longer angry or resentful, no longer do I believe their was fault to be found, no longer am I using these experiences as the cause of my my own issues.
I am happy and complete today. My life is good. Actually it is really good. I wish I could let this person know all this.
I wish I could tell them that I forgive them for everything.
This person is not speaking to me and it’s understandable.
But if I could talk to them, I would tell them that I wish for them to be happy, fulfilled and free in whatever way that looks for them. I wish for them everything I wish for myself.
I would say that they don’t need to worry about me at all, because I am great, better than great.
I would say go and be happy and know that there is always at least one person out there that loves them unconditionally, no matter what, with or without me, speaking or not speaking, forever apart or together, silently cheering them on in everything they do.
And that person is me.
When I feel guilt or shame over my own actions, I am not at peace and have more of a reason to be resentful at another.
The way to ease my soul is to do what I can to amend the situation and change going forward.
Blaming others is not the solution to mend my own unhappiness.
I may succeed in getting someone else to feel guilty over something, but the reason for my uncomfortableness is not fixed or healed by another’s feelings or attitudes.
The problem still resides within me.
Forgiveness does not mean I approve or agree with another’s actions, it means I accept their humanness and am ready to allow my heart to heal.
Forgiveness is so that I can move on.
My heart is wide open, flowing, like silk curtains blowing in the breeze through a patio door in the summer time.
I feel so much that it fills me up and shines through every cell of my body.
This life is full of wondrous beauty in moments of perfection when I know I am alive and I know exactly what being alive means.
The song of birds chirping in the trees, wind on my face, caressing my arms, as the sun kisses every thing it touches, this is when with feet planted firmly on the ground, I am one with consciousness.
This is connection.
No longer do I hold the belief that even though God may exist, God is just something that stands on the sidelines watching everything go down with little involvement in any of it.
God is absolutely everything.
I don’t believe that God can be described or comprehended by our human minds.
I believe God is experiential and felt by the soul.
Nor do I humanize God, giving God a gender, or face, or character.
I believe God transcends all of this.
I believe that I play the small part God has assigned me in a divine plan that I may never see the result from but know in the core of my being is perfect.
When I came to this knowing I could finally relax and experience a earth shaking sigh of relief.
This relief came from the knowledge that it was not all up to me to decide, manage or control and that everyone’s path was uniquely their own.
It was necessary for their own spiritual growth.
Just like mine had been my own and very valuable.
The only thing I can do is love myself and those whose lives I touch, without conditions.
I can finally relax, just be and begin to know inner peace.
And I am also totally fine with the fact that everything I believe could possibly change tomorrow.
There are some humans that want to keep other humans in the darkness, cutting us off from the awareness of our full potential, cutting us off from true connection with our creator.
Make no mistake, they benefit from creating reasons for us to feel separate from our fellows, feeding the idea of winners and losers, that there are those who are right and those who are wrong.
They feed us with reasons we should fear each other, different races, religions, countries, so that we cannot come together to create a real evolution of consciousness.
We are more easily controlled when we feel afraid, isolated, separate from one another and alone.
Everyday on the television, internet and radio news we are fed lies to distract us and they dish out fear, fear and more fear.
If we all knew the truth, that we truly all are one, connected by a single consciousness, that when we harm another we actually harm ourselves, when we judge another we are judging ourselves, we could then plug into our divine creator and perform miracles on the planet.
Open your eyes and rise above the illusion.